Thinking

 Wow it has been some time since I had the urge to write. 

Today that urge is pretty strong. 

But what to write about. 

Blogs online used to be such a huge thing, but now Instagram and Tit Tok have taken over.

I am sitting in the quiet of the morning. It is after 9 am. 

My house once filled with my 9 kids has gone down to a house with 5. Of those 5, two are legal adults. The youngest is now in middle school. 

My thoughts often go to where did time go. Days that often felt so long. Days of babies needing me so much has been changed to a different type of need. Needing rides to work, needing help with homework, needing just to talk.

They all still need hugs, for my kids that has never changed. 

I have enjoyed each phase of watching my kids grow. The love, the fun, the stressful time. The joy of watching them move to the next thing. The pride that they and I have had as they have moved from one stage of life to another. 

And yet for me the sadness as I look back with what I know now and wish I had done things differently. Maybe their lives would be different if I had done x,y,z instead of a,b,. Knowing I can't change the past is hard. But knowing I can continue to change me so that their future gets better keeps me going. 

I am a woman who has been through a lot in her life. A mom who tried to do better than she was raised. I can't say I failed, I can't say I was a huge success. 

My kids know I love them. They know they are safe with me. They know their friends are safe with me, even if I am not fond of that friend.

I will keep trying, I will keep moving and I will keep loving. 

Failure

 Failure is something we all feel from time to time. 

If you ask anyone near me they will say I am not a failure in anything that I do. I am a hard worker, I’m a good mom. My kids love me. I have some great friends. I have encouraged others in their own lives. I know I have made an impact on those around me. I know that even if I feel like a failure I am not.

Yet.. I am. I have failed to protect my kids.

I have failed to give them all the security that I should have.

They have known too much of my struggles.

My inability to provide.

My lack of making sure that there was plenty of food. 

My one daughter is having to stay with friends.

Two of my boys (and one of their girlfriends) had to get their own apartment much younger than I would have liked. They are having to pay their own bills at a much younger age then they (I think) should have had. 

They will all say “Mom, you have done the best you could.”

But did I? 

At times I worked as much overtime as I could get. I also worked two jobs for years just to have extra money. Yet I was so far behind that even the extra money was gone as quick as it came in. I still struggled to meet basic needs. I put things off  that was needed, just because at the moment I didn’t have the money.

Today I will take kids clothes shopping, but honestly I don’t have the money. I am supposed to get paid this week, but there is some question over if I will have a full paycheck or just a half a check.  

I am working a new job that honestly after the first week I can say, I don’t like. The people I work with are great. It just isn’t the type of job I like doing. I am customer service centered and this job doesn’t have the customer service needed like I have used in the past. 

Yet I will stay because the money is closer and the hours are a little better.

My kids are filled with stress, anxiety and have eating issues. 

I don’t know how to help them most of the time. I am so often trying to keep my head above water. My own stress and fear are way above what I can deal with. I have thought of therapy, and have gone. Everyone keeps telling me I have to take care of myself. I don’t know how. I also don’t know what that means. 

Dreams, plans and goals. I have failed to give my kids those. They have been so focused on just living they didn’t have any. My own dreams have gone out the window. 

I have lost so much of myself. I gave up so much that I enjoyed doing. I don’t even know what I like any more. I don’t know how to start again.

How with young kids who still need so much of me?

How when I am trying to figure out how to just live and give my kids more security?

Am I a failure, I don’t know. I know that I am feeling like I am and there isn’t much that I can do to change it at this point. 

I know that today I will press on. I will make the best of today and remind my kids I love them. I will look to myself for strength that I don’t know I have anymore. I feel so empty. I have nothing left in me to give. I have no one that I can look to. I am so lonely and scared.

Scared of making more wrong choices. Scared of messing my kids up even more than I have. Scared of not seeing them heal. 

I blame you...

 My kids no longer want to go to church. And church I blame you...

Wow, that seems harsh; I mean isn't it my responsibility  to teach my kids about God. 

Now let me explain further... No my kids have not rejected God. Nor have the rejected saving grace. My kids believe in Jesus as their savior. They believe that he came to Earth as a baby and died on the cross for their sins. 

So what do I mean by the church is to blame..

I taught my kids that God loves them the way they are. Yet you church have taught them that they are not perfect and should be looked down on. 

I have taught my kids that God looks at their heart, Yet you have shown them that those who claim to love God have judged them by their looks.

I have taught my kids to care for those in need, Yet from you they have seen that that help is only so much if one does not change their ways or keeps making the same mistake. 

I have taught my kids that God has given them a mind to research and study and learn, Yet they have seen that if you don't follow what we teach, or you come to a different conclusion that you are just wrong and maybe your salvation needs to be questioned.

I was in a marriage where I was not valued as a woman. I was never asked if there were things going on that were leaving me emotionally scarred.

Dear friends that my kids have had, have walked away from them with no warning. Other friends have spoken badly about them behind their back and have at times told others that they should not be allowed in groups at church.

Scripture has been used against them, often taken out of context. 

This isn't just my kids, but others. My house has become a refuge for many of these kids. A place where they can hear about God, and still be accepted even if their lives are not up to par. 

I have at times felt like I was good enough to be within your walls. I have always done things different and I have often felt that I was rejected because of this.

I'm divorced and while I don't feel like I am blamed for this, I do often feel that I have been pushed aside because of it. I feel the red D on my shirt. No one wants me coming around, especially with all the young kids I still have. 

Some how I have gotten a reputation for drinking too much. Would anyone even listen and see I am not the alcoholic that many have thought I am.

I know that recently my kids have learned about how other families that used to embrace my kids now think things that are not true about them. Yes, it is true my kids are not living these great "conservative     Christian lives." But there is so much about them you have missed. 

My kids see others with much looking down on those with less. 

Yet these kids are willing to give what little they have in their pocket. I have watched my young ones run to the piggy banks to grab what change they have to give to homeless.

My hard working teens have never thought twice to help someone. They have not rejected my requests for help with food or rent or gas or "gasp" cigarettes'. 

How do we tell our kids that God loves they and not show it. How can we continue to reject them when they "sin" too much. When we have taught them to love God, and love those around them. Yet when they are not living up to what we think they should we criticize them and not welcome them into our circles. 

I have seen more and more that God has given me a wonderful place to show his love. My home will welcome your children whom no longer feel the acceptance from their God given parents.

Does this mean that I think that any thing is ok? No, they still sin  but they need to know the love that drove Jesus to the cross. Not the condemnation and guilt that makes them feel like that they are not good enough to kiss the feet of the Savior. 

How long dear church til you see how your rejection of the sick keep them from finding the healing of the one that loves them. Will you show these kids that the God of the universe has given them value and worth and they are loved. 

depression

I have dealt with depression most of my life. As a teen I was suicidal. Still not always sure how I made it through it. While the world has changed and mental health is better known (still have a ways to go I know) that was not such the case when I was a teen.

I had several people in my life as a teen and young adult that told me that I shouldn't be depressed or had nothing to be depressed about. Or they told me that I shouldn't be sharing with others my problems. I was left feeling like a burden to others. At the least I was annoying others and shouldn't bother them.

Now not all the adults in my life treated me that way. My Dad was supportive and understanding, but I think that he was unsure what to do himself, and lacked the resources to help me. Finding affordable therapy was much hard then; then it is now. We didn't have insurance and if it did, they didn't pay for any kind of therapy.

So I pushed through it. I slowly started to clam up and not talk as much.

A few years after I got married I was able to do a few sessions with a therapist at a price we could afford. I worked a little bit of issues out and for a good part of the next few years.

Though I continued to struggle I kept most of that struggle inside. A few people knew a little bit of my struggle, but I would never have admitted how bad it really was. I never let on how I truly felt.

After my ex-husband left it was the worst time of my life. I felt like I was falling apart. I was 3 months pregnant and honestly I think that and my other 8 kids was all that kept me going. Some days I could not even get out of my bed. I did get some therapy at the time and that helped. I opened up a little more then I had in the past to some close friends. But still no one truly knew how bad it really was.

Now it is 7 years later. I have continued to push on. However somethings have happened that have made me want to push everyone except my kids out of my life. I don't let people know how much I am struggling emotionally. This quarantine has  been pushing me to the edge once again. I love being home with my kids, again that has been the best part. I am not looking forward to going back to work, though I am looking forward to getting out of the house.

I know that I may need to get back into therapy, I'm not sure I want to. I will continue to push on, because that is what I do. And I will remember.... it is OK to not be OK

love

In the past few years I have gotten to see how my parenting has changed. I always knew I wanted to be "that mom". The mom that no matter who your kids bring home, those friends feel welcomed. They feel safe, they know they are not going to be judged for their mistakes and their choices. (Not that I always agree with those choices, they kids just don't feel like they are not cared about.)

This starts with my kids. This starts with them knowing they are loved and cared about. I'm not perfect at it. I make a lot of mistakes and let my own frustrations show too often. But apologizing is something I do often. I tell my kids I'm sorry when I show my frustration about something, anything.

When my older kids were younger I did a lot more yelling then I do now. I'm not sure if I have learned to be more patient, or what.

I try to make sure I hug my kids everyday, at odd and random time just to say hey, I love you. I try to take a couple minutes each day just to be there for them. It doesn't take a lot of time to have quality time with your kids, when you are doing it all through out the day.

My kids, young kids, teens, even my adult children know they can talk to me about anything, because I have opened the lines of communication when they were young. Now do they always tell me everything, no. Often times they go to each other; but they know they can tell me and I will love them no matter what. I accept them for who they are. I tell them they are a blessing and a gift. The other day my 9 year old was laying on my back. I was having a bad day, and he goes "Mom, you are a blessing." What a wonderful thing to hear from your son.

choosing to be thankful

This time is such a time of uncertainty. No one knows how long this will last and it is easy to get caught up in depression or fear. I know cause these have gripped my heart in so many ways. I am choosing today, at least for this moment to be thankful.

I'm thankful for the time I have had with my kids.

I'm thankful for my home and the neighborhood we live in.

I'm thankful we live in a time where I can order groceries to be delivered and not have to go out to get food for my family.

I'm thankful my family has been healthy.

I'm thankful that when my tire went flat I didn't have to worry about going to work, I can wait til a warm day, like today to work on it.

I have wonderful kids and a great daughter in law, and adorable granddaughter.

I'm thankful for my laptop on which I am typing this blog.

I am sure I can go on, but I think I will stop there for now.

One week in

I have been off work for a week now. This however is the first week that 2 of my kids are now off work. My kids have been working in a grocery store and have decided that they are more concerned with their sister's health and my health then the need to work.

My company closed down on March 17th with a possible reopen date of April 1st. Then state wide went to April 8th. So that means at least 3 weeks home. It is so nice to be home and just be with my kids. Though I will admit that last night I had to hide in my bedroom for a bit. The kids fighting was getting on my nerves. Yes even after being a stay at home mom for so many years I do get flustered with my kids. Love them as much as I do.