Thinking

 Wow it has been some time since I had the urge to write. 

Today that urge is pretty strong. 

But what to write about. 

Blogs online used to be such a huge thing, but now Instagram and Tit Tok have taken over.

I am sitting in the quiet of the morning. It is after 9 am. 

My house once filled with my 9 kids has gone down to a house with 5. Of those 5, two are legal adults. The youngest is now in middle school. 

My thoughts often go to where did time go. Days that often felt so long. Days of babies needing me so much has been changed to a different type of need. Needing rides to work, needing help with homework, needing just to talk.

They all still need hugs, for my kids that has never changed. 

I have enjoyed each phase of watching my kids grow. The love, the fun, the stressful time. The joy of watching them move to the next thing. The pride that they and I have had as they have moved from one stage of life to another. 

And yet for me the sadness as I look back with what I know now and wish I had done things differently. Maybe their lives would be different if I had done x,y,z instead of a,b,. Knowing I can't change the past is hard. But knowing I can continue to change me so that their future gets better keeps me going. 

I am a woman who has been through a lot in her life. A mom who tried to do better than she was raised. I can't say I failed, I can't say I was a huge success. 

My kids know I love them. They know they are safe with me. They know their friends are safe with me, even if I am not fond of that friend.

I will keep trying, I will keep moving and I will keep loving. 

Failure

 Failure is something we all feel from time to time. 

If you ask anyone near me they will say I am not a failure in anything that I do. I am a hard worker, I’m a good mom. My kids love me. I have some great friends. I have encouraged others in their own lives. I know I have made an impact on those around me. I know that even if I feel like a failure I am not.

Yet.. I am. I have failed to protect my kids.

I have failed to give them all the security that I should have.

They have known too much of my struggles.

My inability to provide.

My lack of making sure that there was plenty of food. 

My one daughter is having to stay with friends.

Two of my boys (and one of their girlfriends) had to get their own apartment much younger than I would have liked. They are having to pay their own bills at a much younger age then they (I think) should have had. 

They will all say “Mom, you have done the best you could.”

But did I? 

At times I worked as much overtime as I could get. I also worked two jobs for years just to have extra money. Yet I was so far behind that even the extra money was gone as quick as it came in. I still struggled to meet basic needs. I put things off  that was needed, just because at the moment I didn’t have the money.

Today I will take kids clothes shopping, but honestly I don’t have the money. I am supposed to get paid this week, but there is some question over if I will have a full paycheck or just a half a check.  

I am working a new job that honestly after the first week I can say, I don’t like. The people I work with are great. It just isn’t the type of job I like doing. I am customer service centered and this job doesn’t have the customer service needed like I have used in the past. 

Yet I will stay because the money is closer and the hours are a little better.

My kids are filled with stress, anxiety and have eating issues. 

I don’t know how to help them most of the time. I am so often trying to keep my head above water. My own stress and fear are way above what I can deal with. I have thought of therapy, and have gone. Everyone keeps telling me I have to take care of myself. I don’t know how. I also don’t know what that means. 

Dreams, plans and goals. I have failed to give my kids those. They have been so focused on just living they didn’t have any. My own dreams have gone out the window. 

I have lost so much of myself. I gave up so much that I enjoyed doing. I don’t even know what I like any more. I don’t know how to start again.

How with young kids who still need so much of me?

How when I am trying to figure out how to just live and give my kids more security?

Am I a failure, I don’t know. I know that I am feeling like I am and there isn’t much that I can do to change it at this point. 

I know that today I will press on. I will make the best of today and remind my kids I love them. I will look to myself for strength that I don’t know I have anymore. I feel so empty. I have nothing left in me to give. I have no one that I can look to. I am so lonely and scared.

Scared of making more wrong choices. Scared of messing my kids up even more than I have. Scared of not seeing them heal. 

I blame you...

 My kids no longer want to go to church. And church I blame you...

Wow, that seems harsh; I mean isn't it my responsibility  to teach my kids about God. 

Now let me explain further... No my kids have not rejected God. Nor have the rejected saving grace. My kids believe in Jesus as their savior. They believe that he came to Earth as a baby and died on the cross for their sins. 

So what do I mean by the church is to blame..

I taught my kids that God loves them the way they are. Yet you church have taught them that they are not perfect and should be looked down on. 

I have taught my kids that God looks at their heart, Yet you have shown them that those who claim to love God have judged them by their looks.

I have taught my kids to care for those in need, Yet from you they have seen that that help is only so much if one does not change their ways or keeps making the same mistake. 

I have taught my kids that God has given them a mind to research and study and learn, Yet they have seen that if you don't follow what we teach, or you come to a different conclusion that you are just wrong and maybe your salvation needs to be questioned.

I was in a marriage where I was not valued as a woman. I was never asked if there were things going on that were leaving me emotionally scarred.

Dear friends that my kids have had, have walked away from them with no warning. Other friends have spoken badly about them behind their back and have at times told others that they should not be allowed in groups at church.

Scripture has been used against them, often taken out of context. 

This isn't just my kids, but others. My house has become a refuge for many of these kids. A place where they can hear about God, and still be accepted even if their lives are not up to par. 

I have at times felt like I was good enough to be within your walls. I have always done things different and I have often felt that I was rejected because of this.

I'm divorced and while I don't feel like I am blamed for this, I do often feel that I have been pushed aside because of it. I feel the red D on my shirt. No one wants me coming around, especially with all the young kids I still have. 

Some how I have gotten a reputation for drinking too much. Would anyone even listen and see I am not the alcoholic that many have thought I am.

I know that recently my kids have learned about how other families that used to embrace my kids now think things that are not true about them. Yes, it is true my kids are not living these great "conservative     Christian lives." But there is so much about them you have missed. 

My kids see others with much looking down on those with less. 

Yet these kids are willing to give what little they have in their pocket. I have watched my young ones run to the piggy banks to grab what change they have to give to homeless.

My hard working teens have never thought twice to help someone. They have not rejected my requests for help with food or rent or gas or "gasp" cigarettes'. 

How do we tell our kids that God loves they and not show it. How can we continue to reject them when they "sin" too much. When we have taught them to love God, and love those around them. Yet when they are not living up to what we think they should we criticize them and not welcome them into our circles. 

I have seen more and more that God has given me a wonderful place to show his love. My home will welcome your children whom no longer feel the acceptance from their God given parents.

Does this mean that I think that any thing is ok? No, they still sin  but they need to know the love that drove Jesus to the cross. Not the condemnation and guilt that makes them feel like that they are not good enough to kiss the feet of the Savior. 

How long dear church til you see how your rejection of the sick keep them from finding the healing of the one that loves them. Will you show these kids that the God of the universe has given them value and worth and they are loved. 

depression

I have dealt with depression most of my life. As a teen I was suicidal. Still not always sure how I made it through it. While the world has changed and mental health is better known (still have a ways to go I know) that was not such the case when I was a teen.

I had several people in my life as a teen and young adult that told me that I shouldn't be depressed or had nothing to be depressed about. Or they told me that I shouldn't be sharing with others my problems. I was left feeling like a burden to others. At the least I was annoying others and shouldn't bother them.

Now not all the adults in my life treated me that way. My Dad was supportive and understanding, but I think that he was unsure what to do himself, and lacked the resources to help me. Finding affordable therapy was much hard then; then it is now. We didn't have insurance and if it did, they didn't pay for any kind of therapy.

So I pushed through it. I slowly started to clam up and not talk as much.

A few years after I got married I was able to do a few sessions with a therapist at a price we could afford. I worked a little bit of issues out and for a good part of the next few years.

Though I continued to struggle I kept most of that struggle inside. A few people knew a little bit of my struggle, but I would never have admitted how bad it really was. I never let on how I truly felt.

After my ex-husband left it was the worst time of my life. I felt like I was falling apart. I was 3 months pregnant and honestly I think that and my other 8 kids was all that kept me going. Some days I could not even get out of my bed. I did get some therapy at the time and that helped. I opened up a little more then I had in the past to some close friends. But still no one truly knew how bad it really was.

Now it is 7 years later. I have continued to push on. However somethings have happened that have made me want to push everyone except my kids out of my life. I don't let people know how much I am struggling emotionally. This quarantine has  been pushing me to the edge once again. I love being home with my kids, again that has been the best part. I am not looking forward to going back to work, though I am looking forward to getting out of the house.

I know that I may need to get back into therapy, I'm not sure I want to. I will continue to push on, because that is what I do. And I will remember.... it is OK to not be OK

love

In the past few years I have gotten to see how my parenting has changed. I always knew I wanted to be "that mom". The mom that no matter who your kids bring home, those friends feel welcomed. They feel safe, they know they are not going to be judged for their mistakes and their choices. (Not that I always agree with those choices, they kids just don't feel like they are not cared about.)

This starts with my kids. This starts with them knowing they are loved and cared about. I'm not perfect at it. I make a lot of mistakes and let my own frustrations show too often. But apologizing is something I do often. I tell my kids I'm sorry when I show my frustration about something, anything.

When my older kids were younger I did a lot more yelling then I do now. I'm not sure if I have learned to be more patient, or what.

I try to make sure I hug my kids everyday, at odd and random time just to say hey, I love you. I try to take a couple minutes each day just to be there for them. It doesn't take a lot of time to have quality time with your kids, when you are doing it all through out the day.

My kids, young kids, teens, even my adult children know they can talk to me about anything, because I have opened the lines of communication when they were young. Now do they always tell me everything, no. Often times they go to each other; but they know they can tell me and I will love them no matter what. I accept them for who they are. I tell them they are a blessing and a gift. The other day my 9 year old was laying on my back. I was having a bad day, and he goes "Mom, you are a blessing." What a wonderful thing to hear from your son.

choosing to be thankful

This time is such a time of uncertainty. No one knows how long this will last and it is easy to get caught up in depression or fear. I know cause these have gripped my heart in so many ways. I am choosing today, at least for this moment to be thankful.

I'm thankful for the time I have had with my kids.

I'm thankful for my home and the neighborhood we live in.

I'm thankful we live in a time where I can order groceries to be delivered and not have to go out to get food for my family.

I'm thankful my family has been healthy.

I'm thankful that when my tire went flat I didn't have to worry about going to work, I can wait til a warm day, like today to work on it.

I have wonderful kids and a great daughter in law, and adorable granddaughter.

I'm thankful for my laptop on which I am typing this blog.

I am sure I can go on, but I think I will stop there for now.

One week in

I have been off work for a week now. This however is the first week that 2 of my kids are now off work. My kids have been working in a grocery store and have decided that they are more concerned with their sister's health and my health then the need to work.

My company closed down on March 17th with a possible reopen date of April 1st. Then state wide went to April 8th. So that means at least 3 weeks home. It is so nice to be home and just be with my kids. Though I will admit that last night I had to hide in my bedroom for a bit. The kids fighting was getting on my nerves. Yes even after being a stay at home mom for so many years I do get flustered with my kids. Love them as much as I do.

My thoughts on stay at home order

First of all, I am in introvert. I would rather be home then out anyway. So I have to admit on that level I am going to enjoy this. I can text people, last night I video chatted my son and he showed the video to my 8 month old granddaughter and I got to enjoy watching her crawl around her house and exploring.

On top of being an introvert, I was also a stay-at-home Mom for 19 years, until becoming a single mom sent me into the workforce 6 years ago. My youngest child is 6, and I started working when she was 8 months old. For my family it was a huge change. My oldest son had gone off to college and that left my 17 year old in charge for the day. At the time I only worked 4-5 hours maybe 3 days a week. At the time I was still able to home-school my kids.

I went through 2 different periods of time working 2 part time jobs each time for about a year and a half. At times (mostly holiday times) I worked close to 70 hours a week.

I was able to get vacation time at my jobs and I would enjoy the week at a time.

This year became a huge year of change for our family. The youngest 4 kids went to public school for the first time. I work 1 full time job now. (Although for a short time I worked a part time as well).

But on March 17th the company I work for decided that they were non-essential and it would be better for employees and the public if they closed down for 2 weeks. (Poor sales played a part in this I know too).Although with my states stay at home order I will be out of work longer. I have to say I am enjoying it.

I have home-schooled, so helping the kids do the work that they have gotten from school isn't as big of a deal.

I was a stay at home mom, so I know what it is like to have the kids around all day.

My advice.... enjoy it. Many have never had the chance to spend this much time with their kids. And really, may never have this chance again. Are they going to drive you nuts, you bet. Are you going to want to run out of the house screaming, probably.

But leave the living room a little messier to spend time around a table coloring a picture. That game you have been meaning to play with your kids, but the evening always gets away from you after homework, do it. Sit watch a movie, listen to your child read, heck even try to play that video game the teens are playing that you know you will stink at, but hey they can have fun teaching you a thing or 2.

And to those of you reading this that work in jobs that are still going Thank you!

Just over a month in...

So it is now the beginning of feburary. I feel like I have already given up on this year. Not that it has been bad, or that bad things have happened, I just don't know how it is going to change. I know I have to be the one to change it. I have to make things happen. I am not sure where to begin.

I am still dealing with extreme loneliness. I want so bad to feel cared for by someone. I mean I know I am. I know my kids love me. I know my friends care. I just long to sit next to someone who I can share my day and cry with and share my anger with. There is so much I want to talk about, but just don't feel like I can and there are things I can not share with my kids.

I miss that connection with someone.

I know that I am not alone in these feelings. I know that there are many others who have the same struggles.

I feel like I have a lot I want to say, but I am tired now and must sleep.

As 2019 comes to a close

This year, as most years are, has been a lot of change. Some of those changes are bringing me back to the beginning of the year.

The beginning of the year saw the store I had worked at for almost 5 years close. The friendships I had made became so important to me. Those that I worked with have become like a family to me. There are many others that worked there who will tell you that it was unlike any other place to work.

I have spent the bulk of 2019 working one job, a full time job that I like. But I continue to struggle financially so I will go back to 2 jobs. I want to make 2020 a year that I get this part of my life under control. It has started a little bit, but I will get better.

But I also must focus on finding the things that I once enjoyed just for myself. Things that I can use to express my emotions and better deal with my stress. I want to fill myself so that I have more to give those that need me the most. Instead of barely having anything and giving what little there is and leaving nothing for me.

I have a granddaughter in my life, I want her to want to get to spend time with Grandma Kayte.  I want her to know the love I have for her and be a woman she can look up to.

I want my kids to get more of me. I want to be around to love them and show them that love.

There is crap I need to let go of, people I need out of my life. People that I have pushed out that I need to bring back in. I am trying to continue to push forward. Letting go of pain that has held me back.

My heart...

Psalms 127:3-5

3 Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. 

4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. 

5 Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.

My oldest child's name is Shane. Shane means "God is gracious, gift from God." 

Before my 3rd child was born I started to hear this word quiverful. In the group's I was hearing it, they were talking about letting God choose the size of your family, ie the number of children you would have. This was much different from how those around me felt. I was conflicted and unsure of what God was saying to me.

Shortly after finding out I was pregnant with my 4th child my (now) ex-husband and I talked about it and decided that my fertility was in God's hands. 

After my 5th child I began to feel that people at my church judged me differently because of it. I chose to withdraw. I knew people didn't understand my conviction and that was ok, (after awhile). 

My 9th child is Izabelle.. promised of God. 

I don't fit the mold of my friends or my church. My parenting is different. It is far from perfect, but it works for my family. My kids talk to me. I know what is going in in their lives. 

I struggle emotionally, and often question my faith in God. But not in ways that others realize. They see my doubts as a lack of faith. They see this as a bad thing. I see it as a chance to question and learn. I see it as a way to challenge my faith, to grow and learn. 

What is hard is knowing that these that don't understand me love me, yet I am not sure they like me. Yes I am introverted and shut people out. I would rather do things on my own. I don't like to feel that I am an inconvenience to my family or friends. I have been told that is this unhealthy thinking, yet I look at actions or lack of and I can't help but think that they would rather not be with me.

But I know that I am loved beyond what anyone  I can imagine. And that love is shown through my kids everyday.

Mommerz...

I have always had a pretty good relationship with all my kids. I am still waiting to hear the "I hate you," I know it is coming. Just have to figure out which of the kids will be the first one to actually say it.

Today is the 19th birthday of my 3rd child. I have to be honest and say that I always figured she would be the one to say it first. Even as a young child she was more testing then her older 2 siblings had been. She asked questions that they had not at younger ages.

She had a way of getting out of trouble and being grounded.

Yet she also had strong love.

There are 5 years between her and the oldest (with one between). In her late childhood she had a rough relationship with her older brother (the oldest). They would fight more then any of my other kids.

I set an example with her at a young age that I would talk to her about anything...

We never had a bad relationship, but it wasn't as close until her Dad left.

Then it all changed, and I have to say for the better. Not that the next few years she wouldn't be more trying. She did. The older she got the more she wanted to do things her way. She would often go where she wanted to, and was bad about answering her phone. But slowly that all changed. The willingness I had when she was younger to listen and answer questions I continued to do.

When she was about 13 her and one of her friends started asking me questions. I would give answers. We would spend hours in the kitchen talking. My older daughter would often join in and any other friends they may have around. It became our thing. The girls would often invite their friends over for out "kitchen talks" and man some of the conversations we had....

But it lead to where we are now. My daughter knows she can come to me for anything. I don't always agree with her. I will tell her she is wrong. But she knows she is loved and that I am there for her.

I am so proud of the young lady she is. She works hard and is well respected at work. She has goals and dreams of where she wants to be in a few years. We laugh together and cry. I have turned her on to some country music and we will often sing at the top of our lungs in the truck as we are going places.

I love you my daughter and I am proud of you

life thoughts

As a child you have no real control over your life. A young child has no say where they go or even what they wear. As you get older you have more say in your life. Your hair cut, your clothes, sometimes even what you eat.

As a teen you fight to control your own life. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. You long for the day when you have the say in your life.

While you never completely have a say, your boss determines your work schedule. Other obligations have a say in where you go and what you do. Many of those things are things you can change. Don't like the hours you have to work.. find another job.

Often we choose to love someone and then we choose to give up some aspect of control in our lives. There is this idea of give and take in a relationship that we expect. I give up something you give up something. I get what I want and you get what you want.

I never realized how much control I had given up. I never realized for so many years I gave up everything. Then I was left alone. I was left to figure things out. In some areas I did good. In many areas I have failed.

Now I find myself in a situation where the only real option I have is to give up control once again. I realize more and more in giving up control in one area I am being forced to give up control in more areas. Here I am in my 40's feeling like I have little say in my life. In order for me to deal with x... I am being told that it would be better for all of us if I do y. I hear it from so many sides. No one wants to help me figure out how to do y better, just change it and do this. Doesn't matter if I don't think that is best, I am "unhealthy" and don't know.

This will be easier on you, but the thought of it stresses me out.

I feel so alone.

I just want some one to sit next to me and let me cry. Not tell me what to do. I am so angry and that just gives them more reason to push what they think is best. Since I must not be thinking clearly. Since I am "too emotional" and can't see from an "objective" point of view.

I want to scream. I want to run away. I won't. I will continue to just do what I should and be a good girl. Listen to their advice, since they know better. I will make dinner. Clean my kitchen. Tomorrow I will get up and go to work, and come home and do it all again.

Once upon a time

Man those words bring me back to when I was little. All the world seemed a magical place. There seemed to be no limit to  my dreams. Then I got older and life got more of a place I wanted to escape.
Words of poetry once flowed so easy. Words were my escape from the world. For a time I could be someone else. I could create characters and places that I have never known or seen. I would write what I felt and what I could not express to anyone else.
Then life of being a wife and a mom took over and my writing got pushed out. I would drown out words of inspiration til I could no longer hear them at all.
Today I am going to once again let myself follow my dreams of writing. Even if no one else cares. Even if no one reads. I will let my mind wander. I will say what comes to mind on page even if it makes no sense to anyone else.
It is time. My time has come again. It is time to be me. It is time to love who I am and what I do. I am a Mom, a friend, a manager on duty at work. I am crazy at times. Silly when I have had a couple shots of whiskey. I love my country music, both new and 80's/90's country.  Throw in some good old Guns 'n Roses, maybe some Bon Jovi and it is a party.
I am the simple girl my Dad raised. Give me a cup of coffee (just cream please) Sit and talk, maybe take a little walk.
But I will be me again. I will write one again. I will write my poetry- even if it doesn't make sense and if it doesn't rhyme. I will dream once again. I will open my wings once again. Even if that means they get broken more then they are. It will take time as those wings are weak from not being used.
Who am I.... I don't know much any more, so I guess I can forge for myself the woman I want to be.
I love this song from Kelsea Ballerini.. If you like me have found yourself coming from a place where you lost who you are maybe you can find inspiration like I have

So here I sit

There is so much on my mind. And yet at the same moment there is nothing. I sit here with just 3 children in my home. This makes my home so much more quieter.

I continue to struggle with feeling so alone. Yes I have my kids. But I often miss someone just to talk things through. That feeling of sharing the ups and downs with someone.

My kids keep my busy. My oldest 2 have moved out. One is married, one is renting a room from her friend and is busy with school, work and her boyfriend.

That leaves 6 kids at home. The older 2 at home both work. One works overnights making doughnuts and one works maintenance at the same grocery store. I work at that store as well in the bakery.  Both of the kids are  highly respected and loved for the work they do there. I  often hear what a great job they are doing and what wonderful people they are.

I feel like I have lost so much of who I was before I had kids. I used to write, I hardly ever do that anymore. Even when I try I am no longer sure of what to write about. I often think of things mostly while I am work, but by the time I am home I have long forgotten.

I am working on sharing my story of how my faith has been shaken but at the end of the day I still trust in God. For so many years I have held tight to some more conservative beliefs, at the core of me I still hold many of them. But I often wonder how they should be played out in my new role.

I see how the way these beliefs were played out before and how that left me in a very vulnerable shot. I also know that many of this left me in a place where my emotional needs were not met and was probably hurt more emotionally then I would ever like to admit.

I have learned that I am a passive person by nature and that often means I let people control me way more then I would like. I give in and just shut up. I don't fight for the things I believe in very much. At this time I don't even know what I believe in anything.

I want to hide myself away. At work I am the one that everyone can count on. I do my job. I am "fun" to work with. But too often I just want to cry and hide. I don't want to be there (then again who does). I want to go home. Yet at home the kids are fighting. My older ones have spent too much time being in charge that even when I am there they are trying to take control of the situation. I want them to relax and let me deal with the issue. I just end up fighting with the older ones that the situation with the younger ones doesn't get dealt with.

I was on vacation for 4 days and spent almost as much time away then if I had worked. I wondered if it was even worth taking the vacation.

I work and I work and yet I continue to struggle with money. Too often I grab pizza for the kids just so that they have food to eat that even they can make themselves. We recently moved and for my job I work in the evening  I am now 45 minutes to an hour away from work. This takes more time and gas money. Oh I am thankful for our new home. Thankful for the neighborhood we live in. But there are so many days I just don't want to do anything.

And so I will continue on.. I am looking for new work, for many different reasons. One of companies I work for will be closed at the end of February. I must find a new job. But do I look for just full time, or do I continue to work part time. I would love to go full time and have applied for a couple full time positions but I am so not sure.

Yes. I did...

My home is a home for the broken and the hurting. Teens come to my house to find love to find a place they can be who they are without some on judging them, without someone trying to make them be who they are. There is a young lady that now lives in my home. She isn't the perfect girl, she swears and she smokes. She has struggled with being suicidal.
I can't really afford another person in my home. I can't afford to feed another mouth, but I don't want her to go, why...
Because she needs to know love. My kids have taught me more about being Gods hands and feet and so I do what I can.
She is not the first young lady to live with me. There was another in the past that needed a place to go, so I open my doors. I open my heart. I try and show the love of not just a mother but the love of the Father. The love that God has for the hurting, the love that God has for the broken, if I don't who will.
How can we show the world God's love when we won't open our hearts.
I have had my kids bring their friends that thought they were pregnant to me so that their friend can hear someone say it is ok... You are loved. They have brought their friends who have been used and abused to me so that they can see that there are people who care and people that love. I keep giving so that they can keep living. I keep loving so that they know they are loves. So yes, I did say she could come live with us. And when she is gone is ready and healed enough to say she is moving on there will come a time when there will be another and I will love, advise and so what I can to show her or him love. That is who I am and that is what I do...

Today...

I am a single mom. I work 2 jobs. I had 1 full time job but honestly I find it better for my kids to work 2 jobs. One job has a consistent set of hours at 25 a week the other I can get anywhere from 12 to 18 or 20. Between both jobs I earn about as much as I did at my one full time job, maybe even a little more as I rarely got more than 37 hours at my full time job.

Wouldn't it be better to work 1 full time job? I don't think so, at least not for my situation. My steady hour job is early morning hours. My other job is evening hours. Most mornings I work, I am done by 10 am. I have worked 5 hours. A couple days a week I'll work 4-5 more hours. These hours let me be home in the afternoon and most nights allow me to be home by bedtime.

I can do lots of different things with my afternoons. My house is cleaner and could be even more, but I am choosing to be with my kids. This afternoon we are simply playing outside. The kids are running around. I just read a book to my little one. Yes, there is laundry to fold, but it can wait a few hours.

I have young kids, but I also have adult kids. My oldest got married a few weeks ago. It was such a blessing to be a part of that. Watch him grow from childhood to a husband. Yet I miss him being home.

I think of how short the time was now. I remember him as a baby. I was blessed to be home with him until he went to college. My little ones don't have that, so I have to make the most of what we do.

My “baby” is 4. She loves to wear dresses. When my 20 year old daughter was 4 she was the same way. These days she will still wear a dress, but not as often as her little sister. While the 4 year old will wear pants (or as the case of it being summer, short) they are almost always under a dress. It won't be much longer that she will want only dresses.

The time of influence we have on our kids is so short. Trying to balance work, home and kids can be hard. Often it is even harder to add that me time. All moms (and Dads) need time away. It is often even harder when you are a single parent. Although sometimes I get time off when the little ones are with their Dad. Those nights can be nice, but often miss my kids.

So today I will choose them. Today I will enjoy that I have laundry to fold. And dishes to do and toys on the floor, because the days are long but the years are short.

and life continues

I have turned another year older.

My kids like to insist that I'm about 4 years younger

I'm at the age where others will say "yeah your 29 right?"

Honestly, I don't want to be that age again.

It isn't that I wouldn't want to be younger, thinner and whatever. I had a lot of great things happen between 29 and the age I am now,

But there was also a lot of hard lessons learned. Heartbreak, Loss.

I would not want to live through those again. Unless maybe I had the wisdom I do now and could change the way I handled the situations. But then the lessons wouldn't have been learned and I would be a different person then I am now.

I'm still learning and changing and growing. I'm still learning to be content with who I am. I still struggle with feeling lonely.

Yet there is a lot of good things that have come about. I have learned that it is ok that I am a sensitive person. It is ok that I take things personally. It is ok that I need space and need to be alone for a time to recharge. I am not broken. I am an INFP and it is ok.

My new year

So yes, like many I have made New Years resolutions. Yes, one is to lose weight. The other is to quit smoking, for good. And yes, I'm trying to do both at once.

I want to lose 50-60 pounds. I had lost 35 a couple years ago when I went off plan after starting a second job. I had lost the weight using Trim Healthy Mama. When I was working just 1 job. When I started working 2, I totally started eating tons of drive through and really just anything fast. Many days I had maybe an hour between jobs and it would take almost 30 minutes due to traffic. I was also working sometimes 55-60 hours a week.

Today I work just one job, and that full time. I have a little more time to prep, but not much. Today was my day off and I took time to put some chicken in the crock pot with broth and will turn it into about 4 different soups (single serve) and some left over chicken for something else.

I also have been going to the gym. That is something I do for me. I love to workout. Yeah, most of the time it is really hard for me to force myself to go. But it is always worth it in the end.

I have breakfast and lunch and even a snack for tomorrow.
Breakfast will be cheesecake (yes, I said cheesecake) with strawberries (s)

Lunch is my left over dinner from tonight which is stir fry chicken over quinoa (e)

Doing it all.....

I have to admit I am in a constant battle with myself over if I am doing enough. If you were to ask anyone looking at my life, I'm sure they would tell you that I do way more then I think that I do. Even my oldest made a comment about that I try too hard to do it all. 

From September 2015- September 2016 I worked 2 jobs. Most weeks working 40-55 hours. Many weeks I worked closer to 60, and December of 15 I think I had at least 1 70 hour week. Yeah it was a lot. For the most part I was able to make it work. Once I went full time at one job it became harder to work both jobs. A lot of different reasons went into me just working one job in September. 

About a month ago I was offered another second job. It sounded like I could really work it out. I worked twice, and then things just kinda fell apart. I got a bad cold, and it was working with food and I was coughing so bad. Then the next week my daughter with Lupus ended up in the ER with shingles. I have chosen to say good to trying again. 

I have to admit I have a love hate with not working so many hours. I have more time at home. I love being with my kids. I can do more for them. Yet, I feel like no matter what I do it isn't enough. There simply isn't enough time to get done all that I want in a day. There is endless amounts of laundry, never ending dishes, fights to end, hug and kisses to give and of course the ever want of something else to eat. Then on top of all that is my need to just have some down time. 

This week coming up I have most of the week off as I have vacation time that needs to be taken. I am looking forward to the time home. I have high expectations of all that I can get done and I hope above all hope not to disappoint myself. But I probably will. I will have to learn to be ok with that....