My heart...

Psalms 127:3-5

3 Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. 

4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. 

5 Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.

My oldest child's name is Shane. Shane means "God is gracious, gift from God." 

Before my 3rd child was born I started to hear this word quiverful. In the group's I was hearing it, they were talking about letting God choose the size of your family, ie the number of children you would have. This was much different from how those around me felt. I was conflicted and unsure of what God was saying to me.

Shortly after finding out I was pregnant with my 4th child my (now) ex-husband and I talked about it and decided that my fertility was in God's hands. 

After my 5th child I began to feel that people at my church judged me differently because of it. I chose to withdraw. I knew people didn't understand my conviction and that was ok, (after awhile). 

My 9th child is Izabelle.. promised of God. 

I don't fit the mold of my friends or my church. My parenting is different. It is far from perfect, but it works for my family. My kids talk to me. I know what is going in in their lives. 

I struggle emotionally, and often question my faith in God. But not in ways that others realize. They see my doubts as a lack of faith. They see this as a bad thing. I see it as a chance to question and learn. I see it as a way to challenge my faith, to grow and learn. 

What is hard is knowing that these that don't understand me love me, yet I am not sure they like me. Yes I am introverted and shut people out. I would rather do things on my own. I don't like to feel that I am an inconvenience to my family or friends. I have been told that is this unhealthy thinking, yet I look at actions or lack of and I can't help but think that they would rather not be with me.

But I know that I am loved beyond what anyone  I can imagine. And that love is shown through my kids everyday.

Mommerz...

I have always had a pretty good relationship with all my kids. I am still waiting to hear the "I hate you," I know it is coming. Just have to figure out which of the kids will be the first one to actually say it.

Today is the 19th birthday of my 3rd child. I have to be honest and say that I always figured she would be the one to say it first. Even as a young child she was more testing then her older 2 siblings had been. She asked questions that they had not at younger ages.

She had a way of getting out of trouble and being grounded.

Yet she also had strong love.

There are 5 years between her and the oldest (with one between). In her late childhood she had a rough relationship with her older brother (the oldest). They would fight more then any of my other kids.

I set an example with her at a young age that I would talk to her about anything...

We never had a bad relationship, but it wasn't as close until her Dad left.

Then it all changed, and I have to say for the better. Not that the next few years she wouldn't be more trying. She did. The older she got the more she wanted to do things her way. She would often go where she wanted to, and was bad about answering her phone. But slowly that all changed. The willingness I had when she was younger to listen and answer questions I continued to do.

When she was about 13 her and one of her friends started asking me questions. I would give answers. We would spend hours in the kitchen talking. My older daughter would often join in and any other friends they may have around. It became our thing. The girls would often invite their friends over for out "kitchen talks" and man some of the conversations we had....

But it lead to where we are now. My daughter knows she can come to me for anything. I don't always agree with her. I will tell her she is wrong. But she knows she is loved and that I am there for her.

I am so proud of the young lady she is. She works hard and is well respected at work. She has goals and dreams of where she wants to be in a few years. We laugh together and cry. I have turned her on to some country music and we will often sing at the top of our lungs in the truck as we are going places.

I love you my daughter and I am proud of you

life thoughts

As a child you have no real control over your life. A young child has no say where they go or even what they wear. As you get older you have more say in your life. Your hair cut, your clothes, sometimes even what you eat.

As a teen you fight to control your own life. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. You long for the day when you have the say in your life.

While you never completely have a say, your boss determines your work schedule. Other obligations have a say in where you go and what you do. Many of those things are things you can change. Don't like the hours you have to work.. find another job.

Often we choose to love someone and then we choose to give up some aspect of control in our lives. There is this idea of give and take in a relationship that we expect. I give up something you give up something. I get what I want and you get what you want.

I never realized how much control I had given up. I never realized for so many years I gave up everything. Then I was left alone. I was left to figure things out. In some areas I did good. In many areas I have failed.

Now I find myself in a situation where the only real option I have is to give up control once again. I realize more and more in giving up control in one area I am being forced to give up control in more areas. Here I am in my 40's feeling like I have little say in my life. In order for me to deal with x... I am being told that it would be better for all of us if I do y. I hear it from so many sides. No one wants to help me figure out how to do y better, just change it and do this. Doesn't matter if I don't think that is best, I am "unhealthy" and don't know.

This will be easier on you, but the thought of it stresses me out.

I feel so alone.

I just want some one to sit next to me and let me cry. Not tell me what to do. I am so angry and that just gives them more reason to push what they think is best. Since I must not be thinking clearly. Since I am "too emotional" and can't see from an "objective" point of view.

I want to scream. I want to run away. I won't. I will continue to just do what I should and be a good girl. Listen to their advice, since they know better. I will make dinner. Clean my kitchen. Tomorrow I will get up and go to work, and come home and do it all again.

Once upon a time

Man those words bring me back to when I was little. All the world seemed a magical place. There seemed to be no limit to  my dreams. Then I got older and life got more of a place I wanted to escape.
Words of poetry once flowed so easy. Words were my escape from the world. For a time I could be someone else. I could create characters and places that I have never known or seen. I would write what I felt and what I could not express to anyone else.
Then life of being a wife and a mom took over and my writing got pushed out. I would drown out words of inspiration til I could no longer hear them at all.
Today I am going to once again let myself follow my dreams of writing. Even if no one else cares. Even if no one reads. I will let my mind wander. I will say what comes to mind on page even if it makes no sense to anyone else.
It is time. My time has come again. It is time to be me. It is time to love who I am and what I do. I am a Mom, a friend, a manager on duty at work. I am crazy at times. Silly when I have had a couple shots of whiskey. I love my country music, both new and 80's/90's country.  Throw in some good old Guns 'n Roses, maybe some Bon Jovi and it is a party.
I am the simple girl my Dad raised. Give me a cup of coffee (just cream please) Sit and talk, maybe take a little walk.
But I will be me again. I will write one again. I will write my poetry- even if it doesn't make sense and if it doesn't rhyme. I will dream once again. I will open my wings once again. Even if that means they get broken more then they are. It will take time as those wings are weak from not being used.
Who am I.... I don't know much any more, so I guess I can forge for myself the woman I want to be.
I love this song from Kelsea Ballerini.. If you like me have found yourself coming from a place where you lost who you are maybe you can find inspiration like I have

So here I sit

There is so much on my mind. And yet at the same moment there is nothing. I sit here with just 3 children in my home. This makes my home so much more quieter.

I continue to struggle with feeling so alone. Yes I have my kids. But I often miss someone just to talk things through. That feeling of sharing the ups and downs with someone.

My kids keep my busy. My oldest 2 have moved out. One is married, one is renting a room from her friend and is busy with school, work and her boyfriend.

That leaves 6 kids at home. The older 2 at home both work. One works overnights making doughnuts and one works maintenance at the same grocery store. I work at that store as well in the bakery.  Both of the kids are  highly respected and loved for the work they do there. I  often hear what a great job they are doing and what wonderful people they are.

I feel like I have lost so much of who I was before I had kids. I used to write, I hardly ever do that anymore. Even when I try I am no longer sure of what to write about. I often think of things mostly while I am work, but by the time I am home I have long forgotten.

I am working on sharing my story of how my faith has been shaken but at the end of the day I still trust in God. For so many years I have held tight to some more conservative beliefs, at the core of me I still hold many of them. But I often wonder how they should be played out in my new role.

I see how the way these beliefs were played out before and how that left me in a very vulnerable shot. I also know that many of this left me in a place where my emotional needs were not met and was probably hurt more emotionally then I would ever like to admit.

I have learned that I am a passive person by nature and that often means I let people control me way more then I would like. I give in and just shut up. I don't fight for the things I believe in very much. At this time I don't even know what I believe in anything.

I want to hide myself away. At work I am the one that everyone can count on. I do my job. I am "fun" to work with. But too often I just want to cry and hide. I don't want to be there (then again who does). I want to go home. Yet at home the kids are fighting. My older ones have spent too much time being in charge that even when I am there they are trying to take control of the situation. I want them to relax and let me deal with the issue. I just end up fighting with the older ones that the situation with the younger ones doesn't get dealt with.

I was on vacation for 4 days and spent almost as much time away then if I had worked. I wondered if it was even worth taking the vacation.

I work and I work and yet I continue to struggle with money. Too often I grab pizza for the kids just so that they have food to eat that even they can make themselves. We recently moved and for my job I work in the evening  I am now 45 minutes to an hour away from work. This takes more time and gas money. Oh I am thankful for our new home. Thankful for the neighborhood we live in. But there are so many days I just don't want to do anything.

And so I will continue on.. I am looking for new work, for many different reasons. One of companies I work for will be closed at the end of February. I must find a new job. But do I look for just full time, or do I continue to work part time. I would love to go full time and have applied for a couple full time positions but I am so not sure.

Yes. I did...

My home is a home for the broken and the hurting. Teens come to my house to find love to find a place they can be who they are without some on judging them, without someone trying to make them be who they are. There is a young lady that now lives in my home. She isn't the perfect girl, she swears and she smokes. She has struggled with being suicidal.
I can't really afford another person in my home. I can't afford to feed another mouth, but I don't want her to go, why...
Because she needs to know love. My kids have taught me more about being Gods hands and feet and so I do what I can.
She is not the first young lady to live with me. There was another in the past that needed a place to go, so I open my doors. I open my heart. I try and show the love of not just a mother but the love of the Father. The love that God has for the hurting, the love that God has for the broken, if I don't who will.
How can we show the world God's love when we won't open our hearts.
I have had my kids bring their friends that thought they were pregnant to me so that their friend can hear someone say it is ok... You are loved. They have brought their friends who have been used and abused to me so that they can see that there are people who care and people that love. I keep giving so that they can keep living. I keep loving so that they know they are loves. So yes, I did say she could come live with us. And when she is gone is ready and healed enough to say she is moving on there will come a time when there will be another and I will love, advise and so what I can to show her or him love. That is who I am and that is what I do...

Today...

I am a single mom. I work 2 jobs. I had 1 full time job but honestly I find it better for my kids to work 2 jobs. One job has a consistent set of hours at 25 a week the other I can get anywhere from 12 to 18 or 20. Between both jobs I earn about as much as I did at my one full time job, maybe even a little more as I rarely got more than 37 hours at my full time job.

Wouldn't it be better to work 1 full time job? I don't think so, at least not for my situation. My steady hour job is early morning hours. My other job is evening hours. Most mornings I work, I am done by 10 am. I have worked 5 hours. A couple days a week I'll work 4-5 more hours. These hours let me be home in the afternoon and most nights allow me to be home by bedtime.

I can do lots of different things with my afternoons. My house is cleaner and could be even more, but I am choosing to be with my kids. This afternoon we are simply playing outside. The kids are running around. I just read a book to my little one. Yes, there is laundry to fold, but it can wait a few hours.

I have young kids, but I also have adult kids. My oldest got married a few weeks ago. It was such a blessing to be a part of that. Watch him grow from childhood to a husband. Yet I miss him being home.

I think of how short the time was now. I remember him as a baby. I was blessed to be home with him until he went to college. My little ones don't have that, so I have to make the most of what we do.

My “baby” is 4. She loves to wear dresses. When my 20 year old daughter was 4 she was the same way. These days she will still wear a dress, but not as often as her little sister. While the 4 year old will wear pants (or as the case of it being summer, short) they are almost always under a dress. It won't be much longer that she will want only dresses.

The time of influence we have on our kids is so short. Trying to balance work, home and kids can be hard. Often it is even harder to add that me time. All moms (and Dads) need time away. It is often even harder when you are a single parent. Although sometimes I get time off when the little ones are with their Dad. Those nights can be nice, but often miss my kids.

So today I will choose them. Today I will enjoy that I have laundry to fold. And dishes to do and toys on the floor, because the days are long but the years are short.