One week in

I have been off work for a week now. This however is the first week that 2 of my kids are now off work. My kids have been working in a grocery store and have decided that they are more concerned with their sister's health and my health then the need to work.

My company closed down on March 17th with a possible reopen date of April 1st. Then state wide went to April 8th. So that means at least 3 weeks home. It is so nice to be home and just be with my kids. Though I will admit that last night I had to hide in my bedroom for a bit. The kids fighting was getting on my nerves. Yes even after being a stay at home mom for so many years I do get flustered with my kids. Love them as much as I do.

My thoughts on stay at home order

First of all, I am in introvert. I would rather be home then out anyway. So I have to admit on that level I am going to enjoy this. I can text people, last night I video chatted my son and he showed the video to my 8 month old granddaughter and I got to enjoy watching her crawl around her house and exploring.

On top of being an introvert, I was also a stay-at-home Mom for 19 years, until becoming a single mom sent me into the workforce 6 years ago. My youngest child is 6, and I started working when she was 8 months old. For my family it was a huge change. My oldest son had gone off to college and that left my 17 year old in charge for the day. At the time I only worked 4-5 hours maybe 3 days a week. At the time I was still able to home-school my kids.

I went through 2 different periods of time working 2 part time jobs each time for about a year and a half. At times (mostly holiday times) I worked close to 70 hours a week.

I was able to get vacation time at my jobs and I would enjoy the week at a time.

This year became a huge year of change for our family. The youngest 4 kids went to public school for the first time. I work 1 full time job now. (Although for a short time I worked a part time as well).

But on March 17th the company I work for decided that they were non-essential and it would be better for employees and the public if they closed down for 2 weeks. (Poor sales played a part in this I know too).Although with my states stay at home order I will be out of work longer. I have to say I am enjoying it.

I have home-schooled, so helping the kids do the work that they have gotten from school isn't as big of a deal.

I was a stay at home mom, so I know what it is like to have the kids around all day.

My advice.... enjoy it. Many have never had the chance to spend this much time with their kids. And really, may never have this chance again. Are they going to drive you nuts, you bet. Are you going to want to run out of the house screaming, probably.

But leave the living room a little messier to spend time around a table coloring a picture. That game you have been meaning to play with your kids, but the evening always gets away from you after homework, do it. Sit watch a movie, listen to your child read, heck even try to play that video game the teens are playing that you know you will stink at, but hey they can have fun teaching you a thing or 2.

And to those of you reading this that work in jobs that are still going Thank you!

Just over a month in...

So it is now the beginning of feburary. I feel like I have already given up on this year. Not that it has been bad, or that bad things have happened, I just don't know how it is going to change. I know I have to be the one to change it. I have to make things happen. I am not sure where to begin.

I am still dealing with extreme loneliness. I want so bad to feel cared for by someone. I mean I know I am. I know my kids love me. I know my friends care. I just long to sit next to someone who I can share my day and cry with and share my anger with. There is so much I want to talk about, but just don't feel like I can and there are things I can not share with my kids.

I miss that connection with someone.

I know that I am not alone in these feelings. I know that there are many others who have the same struggles.

I feel like I have a lot I want to say, but I am tired now and must sleep.

As 2019 comes to a close

This year, as most years are, has been a lot of change. Some of those changes are bringing me back to the beginning of the year.

The beginning of the year saw the store I had worked at for almost 5 years close. The friendships I had made became so important to me. Those that I worked with have become like a family to me. There are many others that worked there who will tell you that it was unlike any other place to work.

I have spent the bulk of 2019 working one job, a full time job that I like. But I continue to struggle financially so I will go back to 2 jobs. I want to make 2020 a year that I get this part of my life under control. It has started a little bit, but I will get better.

But I also must focus on finding the things that I once enjoyed just for myself. Things that I can use to express my emotions and better deal with my stress. I want to fill myself so that I have more to give those that need me the most. Instead of barely having anything and giving what little there is and leaving nothing for me.

I have a granddaughter in my life, I want her to want to get to spend time with Grandma Kayte.  I want her to know the love I have for her and be a woman she can look up to.

I want my kids to get more of me. I want to be around to love them and show them that love.

There is crap I need to let go of, people I need out of my life. People that I have pushed out that I need to bring back in. I am trying to continue to push forward. Letting go of pain that has held me back.

My heart...

Psalms 127:3-5

3 Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. 

4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. 

5 Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.

My oldest child's name is Shane. Shane means "God is gracious, gift from God." 

Before my 3rd child was born I started to hear this word quiverful. In the group's I was hearing it, they were talking about letting God choose the size of your family, ie the number of children you would have. This was much different from how those around me felt. I was conflicted and unsure of what God was saying to me.

Shortly after finding out I was pregnant with my 4th child my (now) ex-husband and I talked about it and decided that my fertility was in God's hands. 

After my 5th child I began to feel that people at my church judged me differently because of it. I chose to withdraw. I knew people didn't understand my conviction and that was ok, (after awhile). 

My 9th child is Izabelle.. promised of God. 

I don't fit the mold of my friends or my church. My parenting is different. It is far from perfect, but it works for my family. My kids talk to me. I know what is going in in their lives. 

I struggle emotionally, and often question my faith in God. But not in ways that others realize. They see my doubts as a lack of faith. They see this as a bad thing. I see it as a chance to question and learn. I see it as a way to challenge my faith, to grow and learn. 

What is hard is knowing that these that don't understand me love me, yet I am not sure they like me. Yes I am introverted and shut people out. I would rather do things on my own. I don't like to feel that I am an inconvenience to my family or friends. I have been told that is this unhealthy thinking, yet I look at actions or lack of and I can't help but think that they would rather not be with me.

But I know that I am loved beyond what anyone  I can imagine. And that love is shown through my kids everyday.

Mommerz...

I have always had a pretty good relationship with all my kids. I am still waiting to hear the "I hate you," I know it is coming. Just have to figure out which of the kids will be the first one to actually say it.

Today is the 19th birthday of my 3rd child. I have to be honest and say that I always figured she would be the one to say it first. Even as a young child she was more testing then her older 2 siblings had been. She asked questions that they had not at younger ages.

She had a way of getting out of trouble and being grounded.

Yet she also had strong love.

There are 5 years between her and the oldest (with one between). In her late childhood she had a rough relationship with her older brother (the oldest). They would fight more then any of my other kids.

I set an example with her at a young age that I would talk to her about anything...

We never had a bad relationship, but it wasn't as close until her Dad left.

Then it all changed, and I have to say for the better. Not that the next few years she wouldn't be more trying. She did. The older she got the more she wanted to do things her way. She would often go where she wanted to, and was bad about answering her phone. But slowly that all changed. The willingness I had when she was younger to listen and answer questions I continued to do.

When she was about 13 her and one of her friends started asking me questions. I would give answers. We would spend hours in the kitchen talking. My older daughter would often join in and any other friends they may have around. It became our thing. The girls would often invite their friends over for out "kitchen talks" and man some of the conversations we had....

But it lead to where we are now. My daughter knows she can come to me for anything. I don't always agree with her. I will tell her she is wrong. But she knows she is loved and that I am there for her.

I am so proud of the young lady she is. She works hard and is well respected at work. She has goals and dreams of where she wants to be in a few years. We laugh together and cry. I have turned her on to some country music and we will often sing at the top of our lungs in the truck as we are going places.

I love you my daughter and I am proud of you

life thoughts

As a child you have no real control over your life. A young child has no say where they go or even what they wear. As you get older you have more say in your life. Your hair cut, your clothes, sometimes even what you eat.

As a teen you fight to control your own life. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. You long for the day when you have the say in your life.

While you never completely have a say, your boss determines your work schedule. Other obligations have a say in where you go and what you do. Many of those things are things you can change. Don't like the hours you have to work.. find another job.

Often we choose to love someone and then we choose to give up some aspect of control in our lives. There is this idea of give and take in a relationship that we expect. I give up something you give up something. I get what I want and you get what you want.

I never realized how much control I had given up. I never realized for so many years I gave up everything. Then I was left alone. I was left to figure things out. In some areas I did good. In many areas I have failed.

Now I find myself in a situation where the only real option I have is to give up control once again. I realize more and more in giving up control in one area I am being forced to give up control in more areas. Here I am in my 40's feeling like I have little say in my life. In order for me to deal with x... I am being told that it would be better for all of us if I do y. I hear it from so many sides. No one wants to help me figure out how to do y better, just change it and do this. Doesn't matter if I don't think that is best, I am "unhealthy" and don't know.

This will be easier on you, but the thought of it stresses me out.

I feel so alone.

I just want some one to sit next to me and let me cry. Not tell me what to do. I am so angry and that just gives them more reason to push what they think is best. Since I must not be thinking clearly. Since I am "too emotional" and can't see from an "objective" point of view.

I want to scream. I want to run away. I won't. I will continue to just do what I should and be a good girl. Listen to their advice, since they know better. I will make dinner. Clean my kitchen. Tomorrow I will get up and go to work, and come home and do it all again.