depression

I have dealt with depression most of my life. As a teen I was suicidal. Still not always sure how I made it through it. While the world has changed and mental health is better known (still have a ways to go I know) that was not such the case when I was a teen.

I had several people in my life as a teen and young adult that told me that I shouldn't be depressed or had nothing to be depressed about. Or they told me that I shouldn't be sharing with others my problems. I was left feeling like a burden to others. At the least I was annoying others and shouldn't bother them.

Now not all the adults in my life treated me that way. My Dad was supportive and understanding, but I think that he was unsure what to do himself, and lacked the resources to help me. Finding affordable therapy was much hard then; then it is now. We didn't have insurance and if it did, they didn't pay for any kind of therapy.

So I pushed through it. I slowly started to clam up and not talk as much.

A few years after I got married I was able to do a few sessions with a therapist at a price we could afford. I worked a little bit of issues out and for a good part of the next few years.

Though I continued to struggle I kept most of that struggle inside. A few people knew a little bit of my struggle, but I would never have admitted how bad it really was. I never let on how I truly felt.

After my ex-husband left it was the worst time of my life. I felt like I was falling apart. I was 3 months pregnant and honestly I think that and my other 8 kids was all that kept me going. Some days I could not even get out of my bed. I did get some therapy at the time and that helped. I opened up a little more then I had in the past to some close friends. But still no one truly knew how bad it really was.

Now it is 7 years later. I have continued to push on. However somethings have happened that have made me want to push everyone except my kids out of my life. I don't let people know how much I am struggling emotionally. This quarantine has  been pushing me to the edge once again. I love being home with my kids, again that has been the best part. I am not looking forward to going back to work, though I am looking forward to getting out of the house.

I know that I may need to get back into therapy, I'm not sure I want to. I will continue to push on, because that is what I do. And I will remember.... it is OK to not be OK

love

In the past few years I have gotten to see how my parenting has changed. I always knew I wanted to be "that mom". The mom that no matter who your kids bring home, those friends feel welcomed. They feel safe, they know they are not going to be judged for their mistakes and their choices. (Not that I always agree with those choices, they kids just don't feel like they are not cared about.)

This starts with my kids. This starts with them knowing they are loved and cared about. I'm not perfect at it. I make a lot of mistakes and let my own frustrations show too often. But apologizing is something I do often. I tell my kids I'm sorry when I show my frustration about something, anything.

When my older kids were younger I did a lot more yelling then I do now. I'm not sure if I have learned to be more patient, or what.

I try to make sure I hug my kids everyday, at odd and random time just to say hey, I love you. I try to take a couple minutes each day just to be there for them. It doesn't take a lot of time to have quality time with your kids, when you are doing it all through out the day.

My kids, young kids, teens, even my adult children know they can talk to me about anything, because I have opened the lines of communication when they were young. Now do they always tell me everything, no. Often times they go to each other; but they know they can tell me and I will love them no matter what. I accept them for who they are. I tell them they are a blessing and a gift. The other day my 9 year old was laying on my back. I was having a bad day, and he goes "Mom, you are a blessing." What a wonderful thing to hear from your son.

choosing to be thankful

This time is such a time of uncertainty. No one knows how long this will last and it is easy to get caught up in depression or fear. I know cause these have gripped my heart in so many ways. I am choosing today, at least for this moment to be thankful.

I'm thankful for the time I have had with my kids.

I'm thankful for my home and the neighborhood we live in.

I'm thankful we live in a time where I can order groceries to be delivered and not have to go out to get food for my family.

I'm thankful my family has been healthy.

I'm thankful that when my tire went flat I didn't have to worry about going to work, I can wait til a warm day, like today to work on it.

I have wonderful kids and a great daughter in law, and adorable granddaughter.

I'm thankful for my laptop on which I am typing this blog.

I am sure I can go on, but I think I will stop there for now.