So here I sit

There is so much on my mind. And yet at the same moment there is nothing. I sit here with just 3 children in my home. This makes my home so much more quieter.

I continue to struggle with feeling so alone. Yes I have my kids. But I often miss someone just to talk things through. That feeling of sharing the ups and downs with someone.

My kids keep my busy. My oldest 2 have moved out. One is married, one is renting a room from her friend and is busy with school, work and her boyfriend.

That leaves 6 kids at home. The older 2 at home both work. One works overnights making doughnuts and one works maintenance at the same grocery store. I work at that store as well in the bakery.  Both of the kids are  highly respected and loved for the work they do there. I  often hear what a great job they are doing and what wonderful people they are.

I feel like I have lost so much of who I was before I had kids. I used to write, I hardly ever do that anymore. Even when I try I am no longer sure of what to write about. I often think of things mostly while I am work, but by the time I am home I have long forgotten.

I am working on sharing my story of how my faith has been shaken but at the end of the day I still trust in God. For so many years I have held tight to some more conservative beliefs, at the core of me I still hold many of them. But I often wonder how they should be played out in my new role.

I see how the way these beliefs were played out before and how that left me in a very vulnerable shot. I also know that many of this left me in a place where my emotional needs were not met and was probably hurt more emotionally then I would ever like to admit.

I have learned that I am a passive person by nature and that often means I let people control me way more then I would like. I give in and just shut up. I don't fight for the things I believe in very much. At this time I don't even know what I believe in anything.

I want to hide myself away. At work I am the one that everyone can count on. I do my job. I am "fun" to work with. But too often I just want to cry and hide. I don't want to be there (then again who does). I want to go home. Yet at home the kids are fighting. My older ones have spent too much time being in charge that even when I am there they are trying to take control of the situation. I want them to relax and let me deal with the issue. I just end up fighting with the older ones that the situation with the younger ones doesn't get dealt with.

I was on vacation for 4 days and spent almost as much time away then if I had worked. I wondered if it was even worth taking the vacation.

I work and I work and yet I continue to struggle with money. Too often I grab pizza for the kids just so that they have food to eat that even they can make themselves. We recently moved and for my job I work in the evening  I am now 45 minutes to an hour away from work. This takes more time and gas money. Oh I am thankful for our new home. Thankful for the neighborhood we live in. But there are so many days I just don't want to do anything.

And so I will continue on.. I am looking for new work, for many different reasons. One of companies I work for will be closed at the end of February. I must find a new job. But do I look for just full time, or do I continue to work part time. I would love to go full time and have applied for a couple full time positions but I am so not sure.