Mommerz...

I have always had a pretty good relationship with all my kids. I am still waiting to hear the "I hate you," I know it is coming. Just have to figure out which of the kids will be the first one to actually say it.

Today is the 19th birthday of my 3rd child. I have to be honest and say that I always figured she would be the one to say it first. Even as a young child she was more testing then her older 2 siblings had been. She asked questions that they had not at younger ages.

She had a way of getting out of trouble and being grounded.

Yet she also had strong love.

There are 5 years between her and the oldest (with one between). In her late childhood she had a rough relationship with her older brother (the oldest). They would fight more then any of my other kids.

I set an example with her at a young age that I would talk to her about anything...

We never had a bad relationship, but it wasn't as close until her Dad left.

Then it all changed, and I have to say for the better. Not that the next few years she wouldn't be more trying. She did. The older she got the more she wanted to do things her way. She would often go where she wanted to, and was bad about answering her phone. But slowly that all changed. The willingness I had when she was younger to listen and answer questions I continued to do.

When she was about 13 her and one of her friends started asking me questions. I would give answers. We would spend hours in the kitchen talking. My older daughter would often join in and any other friends they may have around. It became our thing. The girls would often invite their friends over for out "kitchen talks" and man some of the conversations we had....

But it lead to where we are now. My daughter knows she can come to me for anything. I don't always agree with her. I will tell her she is wrong. But she knows she is loved and that I am there for her.

I am so proud of the young lady she is. She works hard and is well respected at work. She has goals and dreams of where she wants to be in a few years. We laugh together and cry. I have turned her on to some country music and we will often sing at the top of our lungs in the truck as we are going places.

I love you my daughter and I am proud of you

life thoughts

As a child you have no real control over your life. A young child has no say where they go or even what they wear. As you get older you have more say in your life. Your hair cut, your clothes, sometimes even what you eat.

As a teen you fight to control your own life. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. You long for the day when you have the say in your life.

While you never completely have a say, your boss determines your work schedule. Other obligations have a say in where you go and what you do. Many of those things are things you can change. Don't like the hours you have to work.. find another job.

Often we choose to love someone and then we choose to give up some aspect of control in our lives. There is this idea of give and take in a relationship that we expect. I give up something you give up something. I get what I want and you get what you want.

I never realized how much control I had given up. I never realized for so many years I gave up everything. Then I was left alone. I was left to figure things out. In some areas I did good. In many areas I have failed.

Now I find myself in a situation where the only real option I have is to give up control once again. I realize more and more in giving up control in one area I am being forced to give up control in more areas. Here I am in my 40's feeling like I have little say in my life. In order for me to deal with x... I am being told that it would be better for all of us if I do y. I hear it from so many sides. No one wants to help me figure out how to do y better, just change it and do this. Doesn't matter if I don't think that is best, I am "unhealthy" and don't know.

This will be easier on you, but the thought of it stresses me out.

I feel so alone.

I just want some one to sit next to me and let me cry. Not tell me what to do. I am so angry and that just gives them more reason to push what they think is best. Since I must not be thinking clearly. Since I am "too emotional" and can't see from an "objective" point of view.

I want to scream. I want to run away. I won't. I will continue to just do what I should and be a good girl. Listen to their advice, since they know better. I will make dinner. Clean my kitchen. Tomorrow I will get up and go to work, and come home and do it all again.