life thoughts

As a child you have no real control over your life. A young child has no say where they go or even what they wear. As you get older you have more say in your life. Your hair cut, your clothes, sometimes even what you eat.

As a teen you fight to control your own life. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. You long for the day when you have the say in your life.

While you never completely have a say, your boss determines your work schedule. Other obligations have a say in where you go and what you do. Many of those things are things you can change. Don't like the hours you have to work.. find another job.

Often we choose to love someone and then we choose to give up some aspect of control in our lives. There is this idea of give and take in a relationship that we expect. I give up something you give up something. I get what I want and you get what you want.

I never realized how much control I had given up. I never realized for so many years I gave up everything. Then I was left alone. I was left to figure things out. In some areas I did good. In many areas I have failed.

Now I find myself in a situation where the only real option I have is to give up control once again. I realize more and more in giving up control in one area I am being forced to give up control in more areas. Here I am in my 40's feeling like I have little say in my life. In order for me to deal with x... I am being told that it would be better for all of us if I do y. I hear it from so many sides. No one wants to help me figure out how to do y better, just change it and do this. Doesn't matter if I don't think that is best, I am "unhealthy" and don't know.

This will be easier on you, but the thought of it stresses me out.

I feel so alone.

I just want some one to sit next to me and let me cry. Not tell me what to do. I am so angry and that just gives them more reason to push what they think is best. Since I must not be thinking clearly. Since I am "too emotional" and can't see from an "objective" point of view.

I want to scream. I want to run away. I won't. I will continue to just do what I should and be a good girl. Listen to their advice, since they know better. I will make dinner. Clean my kitchen. Tomorrow I will get up and go to work, and come home and do it all again.