depression

I have dealt with depression most of my life. As a teen I was suicidal. Still not always sure how I made it through it. While the world has changed and mental health is better known (still have a ways to go I know) that was not such the case when I was a teen.

I had several people in my life as a teen and young adult that told me that I shouldn't be depressed or had nothing to be depressed about. Or they told me that I shouldn't be sharing with others my problems. I was left feeling like a burden to others. At the least I was annoying others and shouldn't bother them.

Now not all the adults in my life treated me that way. My Dad was supportive and understanding, but I think that he was unsure what to do himself, and lacked the resources to help me. Finding affordable therapy was much hard then; then it is now. We didn't have insurance and if it did, they didn't pay for any kind of therapy.

So I pushed through it. I slowly started to clam up and not talk as much.

A few years after I got married I was able to do a few sessions with a therapist at a price we could afford. I worked a little bit of issues out and for a good part of the next few years.

Though I continued to struggle I kept most of that struggle inside. A few people knew a little bit of my struggle, but I would never have admitted how bad it really was. I never let on how I truly felt.

After my ex-husband left it was the worst time of my life. I felt like I was falling apart. I was 3 months pregnant and honestly I think that and my other 8 kids was all that kept me going. Some days I could not even get out of my bed. I did get some therapy at the time and that helped. I opened up a little more then I had in the past to some close friends. But still no one truly knew how bad it really was.

Now it is 7 years later. I have continued to push on. However somethings have happened that have made me want to push everyone except my kids out of my life. I don't let people know how much I am struggling emotionally. This quarantine has  been pushing me to the edge once again. I love being home with my kids, again that has been the best part. I am not looking forward to going back to work, though I am looking forward to getting out of the house.

I know that I may need to get back into therapy, I'm not sure I want to. I will continue to push on, because that is what I do. And I will remember.... it is OK to not be OK

love

In the past few years I have gotten to see how my parenting has changed. I always knew I wanted to be "that mom". The mom that no matter who your kids bring home, those friends feel welcomed. They feel safe, they know they are not going to be judged for their mistakes and their choices. (Not that I always agree with those choices, they kids just don't feel like they are not cared about.)

This starts with my kids. This starts with them knowing they are loved and cared about. I'm not perfect at it. I make a lot of mistakes and let my own frustrations show too often. But apologizing is something I do often. I tell my kids I'm sorry when I show my frustration about something, anything.

When my older kids were younger I did a lot more yelling then I do now. I'm not sure if I have learned to be more patient, or what.

I try to make sure I hug my kids everyday, at odd and random time just to say hey, I love you. I try to take a couple minutes each day just to be there for them. It doesn't take a lot of time to have quality time with your kids, when you are doing it all through out the day.

My kids, young kids, teens, even my adult children know they can talk to me about anything, because I have opened the lines of communication when they were young. Now do they always tell me everything, no. Often times they go to each other; but they know they can tell me and I will love them no matter what. I accept them for who they are. I tell them they are a blessing and a gift. The other day my 9 year old was laying on my back. I was having a bad day, and he goes "Mom, you are a blessing." What a wonderful thing to hear from your son.

choosing to be thankful

This time is such a time of uncertainty. No one knows how long this will last and it is easy to get caught up in depression or fear. I know cause these have gripped my heart in so many ways. I am choosing today, at least for this moment to be thankful.

I'm thankful for the time I have had with my kids.

I'm thankful for my home and the neighborhood we live in.

I'm thankful we live in a time where I can order groceries to be delivered and not have to go out to get food for my family.

I'm thankful my family has been healthy.

I'm thankful that when my tire went flat I didn't have to worry about going to work, I can wait til a warm day, like today to work on it.

I have wonderful kids and a great daughter in law, and adorable granddaughter.

I'm thankful for my laptop on which I am typing this blog.

I am sure I can go on, but I think I will stop there for now.

One week in

I have been off work for a week now. This however is the first week that 2 of my kids are now off work. My kids have been working in a grocery store and have decided that they are more concerned with their sister's health and my health then the need to work.

My company closed down on March 17th with a possible reopen date of April 1st. Then state wide went to April 8th. So that means at least 3 weeks home. It is so nice to be home and just be with my kids. Though I will admit that last night I had to hide in my bedroom for a bit. The kids fighting was getting on my nerves. Yes even after being a stay at home mom for so many years I do get flustered with my kids. Love them as much as I do.

My thoughts on stay at home order

First of all, I am in introvert. I would rather be home then out anyway. So I have to admit on that level I am going to enjoy this. I can text people, last night I video chatted my son and he showed the video to my 8 month old granddaughter and I got to enjoy watching her crawl around her house and exploring.

On top of being an introvert, I was also a stay-at-home Mom for 19 years, until becoming a single mom sent me into the workforce 6 years ago. My youngest child is 6, and I started working when she was 8 months old. For my family it was a huge change. My oldest son had gone off to college and that left my 17 year old in charge for the day. At the time I only worked 4-5 hours maybe 3 days a week. At the time I was still able to home-school my kids.

I went through 2 different periods of time working 2 part time jobs each time for about a year and a half. At times (mostly holiday times) I worked close to 70 hours a week.

I was able to get vacation time at my jobs and I would enjoy the week at a time.

This year became a huge year of change for our family. The youngest 4 kids went to public school for the first time. I work 1 full time job now. (Although for a short time I worked a part time as well).

But on March 17th the company I work for decided that they were non-essential and it would be better for employees and the public if they closed down for 2 weeks. (Poor sales played a part in this I know too).Although with my states stay at home order I will be out of work longer. I have to say I am enjoying it.

I have home-schooled, so helping the kids do the work that they have gotten from school isn't as big of a deal.

I was a stay at home mom, so I know what it is like to have the kids around all day.

My advice.... enjoy it. Many have never had the chance to spend this much time with their kids. And really, may never have this chance again. Are they going to drive you nuts, you bet. Are you going to want to run out of the house screaming, probably.

But leave the living room a little messier to spend time around a table coloring a picture. That game you have been meaning to play with your kids, but the evening always gets away from you after homework, do it. Sit watch a movie, listen to your child read, heck even try to play that video game the teens are playing that you know you will stink at, but hey they can have fun teaching you a thing or 2.

And to those of you reading this that work in jobs that are still going Thank you!

Just over a month in...

So it is now the beginning of feburary. I feel like I have already given up on this year. Not that it has been bad, or that bad things have happened, I just don't know how it is going to change. I know I have to be the one to change it. I have to make things happen. I am not sure where to begin.

I am still dealing with extreme loneliness. I want so bad to feel cared for by someone. I mean I know I am. I know my kids love me. I know my friends care. I just long to sit next to someone who I can share my day and cry with and share my anger with. There is so much I want to talk about, but just don't feel like I can and there are things I can not share with my kids.

I miss that connection with someone.

I know that I am not alone in these feelings. I know that there are many others who have the same struggles.

I feel like I have a lot I want to say, but I am tired now and must sleep.

As 2019 comes to a close

This year, as most years are, has been a lot of change. Some of those changes are bringing me back to the beginning of the year.

The beginning of the year saw the store I had worked at for almost 5 years close. The friendships I had made became so important to me. Those that I worked with have become like a family to me. There are many others that worked there who will tell you that it was unlike any other place to work.

I have spent the bulk of 2019 working one job, a full time job that I like. But I continue to struggle financially so I will go back to 2 jobs. I want to make 2020 a year that I get this part of my life under control. It has started a little bit, but I will get better.

But I also must focus on finding the things that I once enjoyed just for myself. Things that I can use to express my emotions and better deal with my stress. I want to fill myself so that I have more to give those that need me the most. Instead of barely having anything and giving what little there is and leaving nothing for me.

I have a granddaughter in my life, I want her to want to get to spend time with Grandma Kayte.  I want her to know the love I have for her and be a woman she can look up to.

I want my kids to get more of me. I want to be around to love them and show them that love.

There is crap I need to let go of, people I need out of my life. People that I have pushed out that I need to bring back in. I am trying to continue to push forward. Letting go of pain that has held me back.