Thinking

 Wow it has been some time since I had the urge to write. 

Today that urge is pretty strong. 

But what to write about. 

Blogs online used to be such a huge thing, but now Instagram and Tit Tok have taken over.

I am sitting in the quiet of the morning. It is after 9 am. 

My house once filled with my 9 kids has gone down to a house with 5. Of those 5, two are legal adults. The youngest is now in middle school. 

My thoughts often go to where did time go. Days that often felt so long. Days of babies needing me so much has been changed to a different type of need. Needing rides to work, needing help with homework, needing just to talk.

They all still need hugs, for my kids that has never changed. 

I have enjoyed each phase of watching my kids grow. The love, the fun, the stressful time. The joy of watching them move to the next thing. The pride that they and I have had as they have moved from one stage of life to another. 

And yet for me the sadness as I look back with what I know now and wish I had done things differently. Maybe their lives would be different if I had done x,y,z instead of a,b,. Knowing I can't change the past is hard. But knowing I can continue to change me so that their future gets better keeps me going. 

I am a woman who has been through a lot in her life. A mom who tried to do better than she was raised. I can't say I failed, I can't say I was a huge success. 

My kids know I love them. They know they are safe with me. They know their friends are safe with me, even if I am not fond of that friend.

I will keep trying, I will keep moving and I will keep loving.