depression

I have dealt with depression most of my life. As a teen I was suicidal. Still not always sure how I made it through it. While the world has changed and mental health is better known (still have a ways to go I know) that was not such the case when I was a teen.

I had several people in my life as a teen and young adult that told me that I shouldn't be depressed or had nothing to be depressed about. Or they told me that I shouldn't be sharing with others my problems. I was left feeling like a burden to others. At the least I was annoying others and shouldn't bother them.

Now not all the adults in my life treated me that way. My Dad was supportive and understanding, but I think that he was unsure what to do himself, and lacked the resources to help me. Finding affordable therapy was much hard then; then it is now. We didn't have insurance and if it did, they didn't pay for any kind of therapy.

So I pushed through it. I slowly started to clam up and not talk as much.

A few years after I got married I was able to do a few sessions with a therapist at a price we could afford. I worked a little bit of issues out and for a good part of the next few years.

Though I continued to struggle I kept most of that struggle inside. A few people knew a little bit of my struggle, but I would never have admitted how bad it really was. I never let on how I truly felt.

After my ex-husband left it was the worst time of my life. I felt like I was falling apart. I was 3 months pregnant and honestly I think that and my other 8 kids was all that kept me going. Some days I could not even get out of my bed. I did get some therapy at the time and that helped. I opened up a little more then I had in the past to some close friends. But still no one truly knew how bad it really was.

Now it is 7 years later. I have continued to push on. However somethings have happened that have made me want to push everyone except my kids out of my life. I don't let people know how much I am struggling emotionally. This quarantine has  been pushing me to the edge once again. I love being home with my kids, again that has been the best part. I am not looking forward to going back to work, though I am looking forward to getting out of the house.

I know that I may need to get back into therapy, I'm not sure I want to. I will continue to push on, because that is what I do. And I will remember.... it is OK to not be OK