So here I sit

There is so much on my mind. And yet at the same moment there is nothing. I sit here with just 3 children in my home. This makes my home so much more quieter.

I continue to struggle with feeling so alone. Yes I have my kids. But I often miss someone just to talk things through. That feeling of sharing the ups and downs with someone.

My kids keep my busy. My oldest 2 have moved out. One is married, one is renting a room from her friend and is busy with school, work and her boyfriend.

That leaves 6 kids at home. The older 2 at home both work. One works overnights making doughnuts and one works maintenance at the same grocery store. I work at that store as well in the bakery.  Both of the kids are  highly respected and loved for the work they do there. I  often hear what a great job they are doing and what wonderful people they are.

I feel like I have lost so much of who I was before I had kids. I used to write, I hardly ever do that anymore. Even when I try I am no longer sure of what to write about. I often think of things mostly while I am work, but by the time I am home I have long forgotten.

I am working on sharing my story of how my faith has been shaken but at the end of the day I still trust in God. For so many years I have held tight to some more conservative beliefs, at the core of me I still hold many of them. But I often wonder how they should be played out in my new role.

I see how the way these beliefs were played out before and how that left me in a very vulnerable shot. I also know that many of this left me in a place where my emotional needs were not met and was probably hurt more emotionally then I would ever like to admit.

I have learned that I am a passive person by nature and that often means I let people control me way more then I would like. I give in and just shut up. I don't fight for the things I believe in very much. At this time I don't even know what I believe in anything.

I want to hide myself away. At work I am the one that everyone can count on. I do my job. I am "fun" to work with. But too often I just want to cry and hide. I don't want to be there (then again who does). I want to go home. Yet at home the kids are fighting. My older ones have spent too much time being in charge that even when I am there they are trying to take control of the situation. I want them to relax and let me deal with the issue. I just end up fighting with the older ones that the situation with the younger ones doesn't get dealt with.

I was on vacation for 4 days and spent almost as much time away then if I had worked. I wondered if it was even worth taking the vacation.

I work and I work and yet I continue to struggle with money. Too often I grab pizza for the kids just so that they have food to eat that even they can make themselves. We recently moved and for my job I work in the evening  I am now 45 minutes to an hour away from work. This takes more time and gas money. Oh I am thankful for our new home. Thankful for the neighborhood we live in. But there are so many days I just don't want to do anything.

And so I will continue on.. I am looking for new work, for many different reasons. One of companies I work for will be closed at the end of February. I must find a new job. But do I look for just full time, or do I continue to work part time. I would love to go full time and have applied for a couple full time positions but I am so not sure.

Yes. I did...

My home is a home for the broken and the hurting. Teens come to my house to find love to find a place they can be who they are without some on judging them, without someone trying to make them be who they are. There is a young lady that now lives in my home. She isn't the perfect girl, she swears and she smokes. She has struggled with being suicidal.
I can't really afford another person in my home. I can't afford to feed another mouth, but I don't want her to go, why...
Because she needs to know love. My kids have taught me more about being Gods hands and feet and so I do what I can.
She is not the first young lady to live with me. There was another in the past that needed a place to go, so I open my doors. I open my heart. I try and show the love of not just a mother but the love of the Father. The love that God has for the hurting, the love that God has for the broken, if I don't who will.
How can we show the world God's love when we won't open our hearts.
I have had my kids bring their friends that thought they were pregnant to me so that their friend can hear someone say it is ok... You are loved. They have brought their friends who have been used and abused to me so that they can see that there are people who care and people that love. I keep giving so that they can keep living. I keep loving so that they know they are loves. So yes, I did say she could come live with us. And when she is gone is ready and healed enough to say she is moving on there will come a time when there will be another and I will love, advise and so what I can to show her or him love. That is who I am and that is what I do...

Today...

I am a single mom. I work 2 jobs. I had 1 full time job but honestly I find it better for my kids to work 2 jobs. One job has a consistent set of hours at 25 a week the other I can get anywhere from 12 to 18 or 20. Between both jobs I earn about as much as I did at my one full time job, maybe even a little more as I rarely got more than 37 hours at my full time job.

Wouldn't it be better to work 1 full time job? I don't think so, at least not for my situation. My steady hour job is early morning hours. My other job is evening hours. Most mornings I work, I am done by 10 am. I have worked 5 hours. A couple days a week I'll work 4-5 more hours. These hours let me be home in the afternoon and most nights allow me to be home by bedtime.

I can do lots of different things with my afternoons. My house is cleaner and could be even more, but I am choosing to be with my kids. This afternoon we are simply playing outside. The kids are running around. I just read a book to my little one. Yes, there is laundry to fold, but it can wait a few hours.

I have young kids, but I also have adult kids. My oldest got married a few weeks ago. It was such a blessing to be a part of that. Watch him grow from childhood to a husband. Yet I miss him being home.

I think of how short the time was now. I remember him as a baby. I was blessed to be home with him until he went to college. My little ones don't have that, so I have to make the most of what we do.

My “baby” is 4. She loves to wear dresses. When my 20 year old daughter was 4 she was the same way. These days she will still wear a dress, but not as often as her little sister. While the 4 year old will wear pants (or as the case of it being summer, short) they are almost always under a dress. It won't be much longer that she will want only dresses.

The time of influence we have on our kids is so short. Trying to balance work, home and kids can be hard. Often it is even harder to add that me time. All moms (and Dads) need time away. It is often even harder when you are a single parent. Although sometimes I get time off when the little ones are with their Dad. Those nights can be nice, but often miss my kids.

So today I will choose them. Today I will enjoy that I have laundry to fold. And dishes to do and toys on the floor, because the days are long but the years are short.

and life continues

I have turned another year older.

My kids like to insist that I'm about 4 years younger

I'm at the age where others will say "yeah your 29 right?"

Honestly, I don't want to be that age again.

It isn't that I wouldn't want to be younger, thinner and whatever. I had a lot of great things happen between 29 and the age I am now,

But there was also a lot of hard lessons learned. Heartbreak, Loss.

I would not want to live through those again. Unless maybe I had the wisdom I do now and could change the way I handled the situations. But then the lessons wouldn't have been learned and I would be a different person then I am now.

I'm still learning and changing and growing. I'm still learning to be content with who I am. I still struggle with feeling lonely.

Yet there is a lot of good things that have come about. I have learned that it is ok that I am a sensitive person. It is ok that I take things personally. It is ok that I need space and need to be alone for a time to recharge. I am not broken. I am an INFP and it is ok.

My new year

So yes, like many I have made New Years resolutions. Yes, one is to lose weight. The other is to quit smoking, for good. And yes, I'm trying to do both at once.

I want to lose 50-60 pounds. I had lost 35 a couple years ago when I went off plan after starting a second job. I had lost the weight using Trim Healthy Mama. When I was working just 1 job. When I started working 2, I totally started eating tons of drive through and really just anything fast. Many days I had maybe an hour between jobs and it would take almost 30 minutes due to traffic. I was also working sometimes 55-60 hours a week.

Today I work just one job, and that full time. I have a little more time to prep, but not much. Today was my day off and I took time to put some chicken in the crock pot with broth and will turn it into about 4 different soups (single serve) and some left over chicken for something else.

I also have been going to the gym. That is something I do for me. I love to workout. Yeah, most of the time it is really hard for me to force myself to go. But it is always worth it in the end.

I have breakfast and lunch and even a snack for tomorrow.
Breakfast will be cheesecake (yes, I said cheesecake) with strawberries (s)

Lunch is my left over dinner from tonight which is stir fry chicken over quinoa (e)

Doing it all.....

I have to admit I am in a constant battle with myself over if I am doing enough. If you were to ask anyone looking at my life, I'm sure they would tell you that I do way more then I think that I do. Even my oldest made a comment about that I try too hard to do it all. 

From September 2015- September 2016 I worked 2 jobs. Most weeks working 40-55 hours. Many weeks I worked closer to 60, and December of 15 I think I had at least 1 70 hour week. Yeah it was a lot. For the most part I was able to make it work. Once I went full time at one job it became harder to work both jobs. A lot of different reasons went into me just working one job in September. 

About a month ago I was offered another second job. It sounded like I could really work it out. I worked twice, and then things just kinda fell apart. I got a bad cold, and it was working with food and I was coughing so bad. Then the next week my daughter with Lupus ended up in the ER with shingles. I have chosen to say good to trying again. 

I have to admit I have a love hate with not working so many hours. I have more time at home. I love being with my kids. I can do more for them. Yet, I feel like no matter what I do it isn't enough. There simply isn't enough time to get done all that I want in a day. There is endless amounts of laundry, never ending dishes, fights to end, hug and kisses to give and of course the ever want of something else to eat. Then on top of all that is my need to just have some down time. 

This week coming up I have most of the week off as I have vacation time that needs to be taken. I am looking forward to the time home. I have high expectations of all that I can get done and I hope above all hope not to disappoint myself. But I probably will. I will have to learn to be ok with that....

My crazy life.... getting back to Trim Healthy Mama..

So for about 6 months last year I was doing really good, staying in the Trim Healthy Mama plan. Losing weight, having more energy, then I started working a second job. I basically stopped cooking all together. My daughter took over cooking for the family. I stopped eating foods I loved... broccoli roasted in coconut oil.

About a week ago I decided I had enough. All the weight I worked hard to lose I have gained back. So here we go again. This time though I have also added a gym membership. I know for a lot of working moms, they have no idea how to add that to their lives. For me, I know I have to. I have a heart condition and I need to workout so that my whole life is improved.

But this is all going to take time to prepare. I know cause Monday  night I didn't prepare for Tuesday and I ended up eating a small bag of cookies for breakfast. So today I am only working one job, so I am taking time to prepare for a couple days. While I am the only one in the family actually on THM, I do have to make sure that I make more food then what I need. You see my 12 year old son loves to try new things and has very rarely not found something I am eating not to his liking.

Today's menu.....
Eggs with butter (S)
Chicken with hot sauce with broccoli and green  beans roasted in coconut oil (S)
Stir fry over brown rice (E)

I'm pretty sure I'll have a smoothie for a snack a little later.