Failure

 Failure is something we all feel from time to time. 

If you ask anyone near me they will say I am not a failure in anything that I do. I am a hard worker, I’m a good mom. My kids love me. I have some great friends. I have encouraged others in their own lives. I know I have made an impact on those around me. I know that even if I feel like a failure I am not.

Yet.. I am. I have failed to protect my kids.

I have failed to give them all the security that I should have.

They have known too much of my struggles.

My inability to provide.

My lack of making sure that there was plenty of food. 

My one daughter is having to stay with friends.

Two of my boys (and one of their girlfriends) had to get their own apartment much younger than I would have liked. They are having to pay their own bills at a much younger age then they (I think) should have had. 

They will all say “Mom, you have done the best you could.”

But did I? 

At times I worked as much overtime as I could get. I also worked two jobs for years just to have extra money. Yet I was so far behind that even the extra money was gone as quick as it came in. I still struggled to meet basic needs. I put things off  that was needed, just because at the moment I didn’t have the money.

Today I will take kids clothes shopping, but honestly I don’t have the money. I am supposed to get paid this week, but there is some question over if I will have a full paycheck or just a half a check.  

I am working a new job that honestly after the first week I can say, I don’t like. The people I work with are great. It just isn’t the type of job I like doing. I am customer service centered and this job doesn’t have the customer service needed like I have used in the past. 

Yet I will stay because the money is closer and the hours are a little better.

My kids are filled with stress, anxiety and have eating issues. 

I don’t know how to help them most of the time. I am so often trying to keep my head above water. My own stress and fear are way above what I can deal with. I have thought of therapy, and have gone. Everyone keeps telling me I have to take care of myself. I don’t know how. I also don’t know what that means. 

Dreams, plans and goals. I have failed to give my kids those. They have been so focused on just living they didn’t have any. My own dreams have gone out the window. 

I have lost so much of myself. I gave up so much that I enjoyed doing. I don’t even know what I like any more. I don’t know how to start again.

How with young kids who still need so much of me?

How when I am trying to figure out how to just live and give my kids more security?

Am I a failure, I don’t know. I know that I am feeling like I am and there isn’t much that I can do to change it at this point. 

I know that today I will press on. I will make the best of today and remind my kids I love them. I will look to myself for strength that I don’t know I have anymore. I feel so empty. I have nothing left in me to give. I have no one that I can look to. I am so lonely and scared.

Scared of making more wrong choices. Scared of messing my kids up even more than I have. Scared of not seeing them heal.