Thinking

 Wow it has been some time since I had the urge to write. 

Today that urge is pretty strong. 

But what to write about. 

Blogs online used to be such a huge thing, but now Instagram and Tit Tok have taken over.

I am sitting in the quiet of the morning. It is after 9 am. 

My house once filled with my 9 kids has gone down to a house with 5. Of those 5, two are legal adults. The youngest is now in middle school. 

My thoughts often go to where did time go. Days that often felt so long. Days of babies needing me so much has been changed to a different type of need. Needing rides to work, needing help with homework, needing just to talk.

They all still need hugs, for my kids that has never changed. 

I have enjoyed each phase of watching my kids grow. The love, the fun, the stressful time. The joy of watching them move to the next thing. The pride that they and I have had as they have moved from one stage of life to another. 

And yet for me the sadness as I look back with what I know now and wish I had done things differently. Maybe their lives would be different if I had done x,y,z instead of a,b,. Knowing I can't change the past is hard. But knowing I can continue to change me so that their future gets better keeps me going. 

I am a woman who has been through a lot in her life. A mom who tried to do better than she was raised. I can't say I failed, I can't say I was a huge success. 

My kids know I love them. They know they are safe with me. They know their friends are safe with me, even if I am not fond of that friend.

I will keep trying, I will keep moving and I will keep loving. 

Once upon a time

Man those words bring me back to when I was little. All the world seemed a magical place. There seemed to be no limit to  my dreams. Then I got older and life got more of a place I wanted to escape.
Words of poetry once flowed so easy. Words were my escape from the world. For a time I could be someone else. I could create characters and places that I have never known or seen. I would write what I felt and what I could not express to anyone else.
Then life of being a wife and a mom took over and my writing got pushed out. I would drown out words of inspiration til I could no longer hear them at all.
Today I am going to once again let myself follow my dreams of writing. Even if no one else cares. Even if no one reads. I will let my mind wander. I will say what comes to mind on page even if it makes no sense to anyone else.
It is time. My time has come again. It is time to be me. It is time to love who I am and what I do. I am a Mom, a friend, a manager on duty at work. I am crazy at times. Silly when I have had a couple shots of whiskey. I love my country music, both new and 80's/90's country.  Throw in some good old Guns 'n Roses, maybe some Bon Jovi and it is a party.
I am the simple girl my Dad raised. Give me a cup of coffee (just cream please) Sit and talk, maybe take a little walk.
But I will be me again. I will write one again. I will write my poetry- even if it doesn't make sense and if it doesn't rhyme. I will dream once again. I will open my wings once again. Even if that means they get broken more then they are. It will take time as those wings are weak from not being used.
Who am I.... I don't know much any more, so I guess I can forge for myself the woman I want to be.
I love this song from Kelsea Ballerini.. If you like me have found yourself coming from a place where you lost who you are maybe you can find inspiration like I have