Thinking

 Wow it has been some time since I had the urge to write. 

Today that urge is pretty strong. 

But what to write about. 

Blogs online used to be such a huge thing, but now Instagram and Tit Tok have taken over.

I am sitting in the quiet of the morning. It is after 9 am. 

My house once filled with my 9 kids has gone down to a house with 5. Of those 5, two are legal adults. The youngest is now in middle school. 

My thoughts often go to where did time go. Days that often felt so long. Days of babies needing me so much has been changed to a different type of need. Needing rides to work, needing help with homework, needing just to talk.

They all still need hugs, for my kids that has never changed. 

I have enjoyed each phase of watching my kids grow. The love, the fun, the stressful time. The joy of watching them move to the next thing. The pride that they and I have had as they have moved from one stage of life to another. 

And yet for me the sadness as I look back with what I know now and wish I had done things differently. Maybe their lives would be different if I had done x,y,z instead of a,b,. Knowing I can't change the past is hard. But knowing I can continue to change me so that their future gets better keeps me going. 

I am a woman who has been through a lot in her life. A mom who tried to do better than she was raised. I can't say I failed, I can't say I was a huge success. 

My kids know I love them. They know they are safe with me. They know their friends are safe with me, even if I am not fond of that friend.

I will keep trying, I will keep moving and I will keep loving. 

Once upon a time

Man those words bring me back to when I was little. All the world seemed a magical place. There seemed to be no limit to  my dreams. Then I got older and life got more of a place I wanted to escape.
Words of poetry once flowed so easy. Words were my escape from the world. For a time I could be someone else. I could create characters and places that I have never known or seen. I would write what I felt and what I could not express to anyone else.
Then life of being a wife and a mom took over and my writing got pushed out. I would drown out words of inspiration til I could no longer hear them at all.
Today I am going to once again let myself follow my dreams of writing. Even if no one else cares. Even if no one reads. I will let my mind wander. I will say what comes to mind on page even if it makes no sense to anyone else.
It is time. My time has come again. It is time to be me. It is time to love who I am and what I do. I am a Mom, a friend, a manager on duty at work. I am crazy at times. Silly when I have had a couple shots of whiskey. I love my country music, both new and 80's/90's country.  Throw in some good old Guns 'n Roses, maybe some Bon Jovi and it is a party.
I am the simple girl my Dad raised. Give me a cup of coffee (just cream please) Sit and talk, maybe take a little walk.
But I will be me again. I will write one again. I will write my poetry- even if it doesn't make sense and if it doesn't rhyme. I will dream once again. I will open my wings once again. Even if that means they get broken more then they are. It will take time as those wings are weak from not being used.
Who am I.... I don't know much any more, so I guess I can forge for myself the woman I want to be.
I love this song from Kelsea Ballerini.. If you like me have found yourself coming from a place where you lost who you are maybe you can find inspiration like I have

Mothering the detail orientated child

Ok, so my oldest child 13 going on 35, I mean 14 is a very detail orientated child. I've known this since he was little I admit. It was evident the day when he was 5 and was watching the Cubs game and had to walk out of the room for a couple minutes. Upon returning he asked what had happened. I replied oh so and so was up, and now there are 3 outs.
"Well, did he pop up? fly out? strike out? How did he get out?"
"Um, well," While I had watched I wasn't paying that much attention. I was not ready to give a play by play. I am not detail orientated. I prefer more general talk.

To me, don't hit your brother includes, not is not limited to, hitting, kicking, pinching, pushing, "taping", nudging, and general annoying of said brother. This does not mean that now other brothers are open season.

DO child needs it spelled out. If I say don't hit your brother he than push brother. When called on it, response is, "I didn't hit him, I pushed him." Ugh!

However this does make him a wonderful babysitter. He take great care of his younger siblings.

I'm not sure how we'll get through the next 4 years, but I know that God will guide me.

Little Blessings

Ok, so my mind is churning. I have several blogs floating in there. I have one that I'm sure will ruffle some feathers, but I'll leave that one for another day. Today I'm feeling thankful for so many little blessings that I think I shall share that.

As I sit and type there are several things going on around me that I'm thankful for.

I'll start with my computer. Hasn't God given men a great mind that someone thought this up, and built it. Than went on to keep changing it to the point that people can have them in their homes and they can all be connected. It has even gotten to the point that one can connect to the internet from a phone. I'm glad that I don't have a phone like that LOL. That would be dangerous for me.

Next, as I type my arms are full. I have a sleeping 2 1/2 month old baby girl in my arms. There are so many things I could type about her that I'm thankful for.

There are also 6 other kids that I could blog about. In fact I was just doing that. I've decided that I will take another day and blog about each one of them separate.

Sitting near me on my computer desk (that I'm also thankful for- as my hubby got it at a garage sale for just $20) is my cup of coffee. In my coffee is another of my thankful for things- chocolate. Not all that long ago I realized with these 2 simple things how much God loves us in the little things. Coffee and chocolate are not items that are needed in my life. They don't add to my faith, they don't add to my godliness, yet God has given them to me for my simple little pleasure.

In bed is my sleeping hubby. Again I'm sure I could go on and on about all the things I am thankful for about him, but the first thing that comes to my mind is that despite all my rough edges, despite the fact that I can't keep a house clean, despite the fact that I'm not model thin- he loves me. He enjoys being at home with me and the kids.

I guess while all those things are great, there is one thing I truly couldn't live without- God. The fact that He chose to send His son to die for our sins in of it's self is awesome.

As I'm thinking of that fact alone I'm reminded of a saying from a godly women I miss dearly. I heard her often say "The garden didn't take God by surprise. Jesus' death was not plan B."


His mercy, grace, forgiveness, strength have gotten me through times in my life that I couldn't go on.

Well I could go on, but I think I'll make another pot of coffee and read a book.